Robin Hood (2018)

“The Legend You Know. The Story You Don’t.”

Directed by Otto Bathurst
Starring Taron Egerton, Jamie Foxx, Ben Mendelsohn, Eve Hewson, Tim Minchin and Jamie Dornan

Nice posh boy Robin of Loxley (Egerton) has his idyllic life with working class girlfriend Marian (Hewson) interrupted when he is drafted for the Crusades against the Arabs. After five years, Robin tries to prevent the execution of an Arab civilian, and his commanding officer, Guy of Gisbourne (Paul Anderson), gives him a blighty wound which, miraculously, doesn’t develop gangrene.

“Have you ever fired a bow in the air while screaming ‘nooooo!'”

Returning to Nottingham, Robin learns that he has been declared dead and his property seized by the Sheriff (Mendelsohn), who is bleeding the populace dry to fund the Crusade, in particular the non-specific mine and integrated shanty-town next door to the city, where Marian is now involved with local politician Will (Dornan), while working with affable priest Friar Tuck (Minchin) on a secret plan to expose the Sheriff’s corruption. Aided by Yahya (Foxx), the father of the boy Robin failed to save, who insists on the anglicised ‘John’ rather than letting Robin mangle his actual name, Robin learns to be a thief, stealing from the Sheriff as ‘the Hood’, while schmoozing into his counsels as Lord of Loxley.

As the Sheriff and his sponsor, a corrupt Cardinal (F Murray Abraham), reveal their plan to bankroll the Arabs and thus weaken England for a takeover, Robin and Marian move to steal all of the gathered tax money in one fell swoop. The taxes are taken, Yahya kills the Sheriff, and our heroes retreat to Sherwood Forest as a jealous Will is made the new Sheriff.

What’s wrong with it?

“Have you ever jumped through the air while firing two arrows at once?”

Well, let’s get this one out of the way. A step by step dissection of the historical bloopers of this film would be kind of irrelevant, since the film clearly gives not a flying fuck for history. The Crusades scenes are like someone modded Call of Duty so all the weapons were bows. The fighting is in ‘Arabia’ rather than the Holy Land (Syria-Palestine), and against the Arabs rather than the Saracens. Gisburne, an apparent commoner, is Robin’s CO, as if the Crusaders were a professional army. The Cardinal’s desire to rule England seems weird since he’s already a Prince of the Church and England was barely out of being the also-ran prize for the son who didn’t inherit the Duchy of Normandy. There’s a fucking mine immediately outside the oddly precipitous and pristine city of Nottingham. There’s some sort of council in which lords cast public votes on matters of policy, and every evidence of a politically influential middle class, in a country that’s still several years and half a monarchy from Magna Carta.

The weirdly anachronistic costumes are even more weirdly anachronistic than those in King Arthur.

I completely buy that this is the same universe as Legend of the Sword, five centuries down the line.

When the Sheriff and the Cardinal unveil their plan, it is literally the only time that anyone mentions such minor concepts in the Robin Hood legend as ‘England’ and ‘kings’.

Will, who is basically a union leader, is invited to fancy parties and later made Sheriff of Nottingham by a Cardinal. That’s not how class or royal offices work.

What’s right with it?

I guess at least this Robin is English. Wait… Welsh.

The cast are all very good at doing the weird shit the script has them doing. Jamie Foxx’s ability to invest the mentorly speeches he’s been given with even a semblance of credibility really ties the film together.

How bad is it really?

If you can forget about the anachronisms and the people using bows kind of as if they were firearms, and the… well, everything, Robin Hood is kind of fun. It’s not really an excuse.

Best bit (if such there is)?

The film nails its colours to the mast in the scenes set in ‘Arabia’, as the Crusaders Black Ops their way through a generic Middle Eastern city, taking out ballista nests and calling in trebuchet fire as if it was air support.

What’s up with…?

Feudal civic politics?
Cardinals appointing English crown officers?
Moria-by-Nottingham?
‘Street’ archery?

Ratings

Production values – I have legitimately no idea if the aesthetic of this film is a botched-together mess or deliberate choice. I’m fairly sure Mendelsohn just brought his Rogue One Imperial greys from home. 13

“…and with the tax money I will build a battle station, right…”

Dialogue and performances – As is de rigeur these days, an okay script is enlivened by a superior selection of jobbing thespians working it for all it’s worth. 12
Plot and execution – Honestly, I’m kind of amazed that Robin Hood hasn’t been framed as a political conspiracy thriller/heist movie in the modern mould before now, and while the setting around it, and the use of the Robin Hood brand in this particular instance are kind of weird, the core plot is sound. 9
Randomness – Why is this even called Robin Hood? 16
Waste of potential – When push comes to shove, I think I enjoyed King Arthur: Legend of the Sword – the nearest comparable effort – a little more than this, but on the other hand, I suspect this one will hold up better since the whacked out mystical bullshit of King Arthur was all CGI that will age poorly. 12