Well, it’s been an unexpectedly busy month for TV, including a couple of ongoing weeklies on Disney+, most of a single-drop series on Amazon Prime and of another on Paramount+, and the start of the fifth and final series of Star Trek Discovery. It was also the month of one of the greatest TV events of a generation.
Continue reading TV Corner – April 2024
It’s widely known that one of George Lucas’s main influences for Star Wars was Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress, and wanted Kurosawa’s legendary lead Toshiro Mifune (Yojimbo) to play Obi-Wan Kenobi. Mifune refused, concerned – perhaps rightly – that a western science fiction project would cheapen or at least dilute the image of the samurai that he had done so much to shape (albeit in films which borrowed greatly in turn from the aesthetics of the Western genre,) but in honour of those roots, Lucasfilms announced in 2020 that they were developing a series of short, animated films from top anime creators intended to reimagine aspects of the Star Wars mythology through a specifically Japanese lens. This would not be an ongoing, narrative serial like Rebels or The Clone Wars, but rather an anthology; like Love, Death + Robots, but with less nudity.
Continue reading TV Corner – Star Wars: Visions (2021, 2023)
“Oh. My. Gods.”
Directed by David F Sandberg (Shazam!)
Starring Zachary Levi (Thor: Ragnarok), Asher Angel (Darby and the Dead), Jack Dylan Grazer (Luca), Rachel Zegler (West Side Story), Adam Brody (Ready or Not), Ross Butler (To All the Boys: PS I Still Love You), D. J. Cotrona (G.I. Joe: Retaliation), Grace Caroline Currey (Annabelle: Creation), Meagan Good (Monster Hunter), Lucy Liu (Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast), Djimon Hounsou (King Arthur: Legend of the Sword) and Helen Mirren (Hobbs & Shaw)
The broken parts of the Wizard Shazam’s staff are stolen from the Acropolis museum by Hespera (Mirren) and Kalypso (Liu), two of the daughters of the Titan Atlas, who use it to restore their own powers and do terrible things to a whole bunch of tourists. With the wizard (Hounsou) held captive, they set out to recover the rest of their powers from Billy Batson (Asher, Levi) and the rest of the ‘Shazamily,’ who are struggling with the life of secret heroes. Mary (Currey) is looking at college, Billy is trying not to get attached to his foster family in the last months before he ages out of the foster system, and Freddy (Grazer, Brody) is struggling to establish himself as an individual, while still being bullied at school. Pedro (Jovan Armand, Shazam, Cotrona) is working through coming out as gay, Darla (Faithe Herman, Bodied, Good) is a pure-hearted cinnamon roll and Eugene (Ian Chen, A Dog’s Journey, Butler) is…
I mean, there’s only so much characterisation work you can do in the space of a single movie, and Eugene kind of gets the short end of the stick in this case.
Continue reading Shazam! Fury of the Gods (2023)
“Two Worlds Will Collide”
Directed by Harald Zwart
Starring Lily Collins and Jamie Campbell Bower
On her birthday, Clary Fray (Collins) sneaks out to a nightclub, where she is seemingly the only one able to witness a murder committed by three teenagers in mad goth threads. The next day her mother vanishes, a monster tries to eat her and she is drawn into the world of the three killers; the world of British People… I mean, Shadow Hunters, and the demons they police. Learning that her mother was English… I mean, a Shadowhunter, Clary is roped into a quest to find the Mortal Cup, an artefact of angelic power and the key to the ruthless Valentine’s dreams of a revitalised Shadowhunter line.
Made on the back of the success of Twilight – which I probably ought to review if ever I get around to seeing it – City of Bones is a tale of moody goth teenagers saving the world because no-one else can or will or, indeed, is there to do so. The vast and palatial Institute, a repository of power and major centre of organisation and mystical transportation for the Shadowhunters, is home to three teenagers and one adult, and no indication is ever given that they have any immediate back-up to call on. Given that Valentine’s forces number three highly experienced Shadowhunters, it’s a little unclear why he never just kicked in the doors.
The outfits are… well, I think they’re a little silly. I guess they might be cool these days; I wouldn’t know. If I were cool, I wouldn’t be writing internet movie reviews.
Very few of the characters are very sympathetic, or even truly memorable. Jace (Campbell Bower) is snarky and mean, but not detached or fragile enough to carry the supposed emotional vulnerability which offsets it, and Collins doesn’t convey the confusion which would be needed to truly hold the audience through the discovery of her superspecialsnowflakeness.
Although doubtless owing much to Twilight in terms of market creation, City of Bones – based on the first in a five-going-on-six volume series by Cassandra Clare – has a much meatier story, with stakes and consequences and everything.
Lena Headey (briefly) as Clary’s mother, Aidan Turner as her ‘special friend’ (adding werewolf to his resume alongside vampire and dwarf) and Jared Harris channeling his dad to play the dubious Dumbledore Hodge add a little class to the proceedings. Moreover, the fact that of the many, many European actors in the piece, only Lily Collins (who isAnglo-American anyway) uses an American accent prevents this film picking up a howdy-doody accent tag and an extra helping of scorn.
In terms of production values, the film is pretty slick.
I describe this section as defining the badness of the film on a visceral level, and the sin of City of Bones is actually that it lacks any kind of viscerality. It’s not terrible, but it lacks any real heart, which makes it hard to feel bad when bad things happen to people.
If I live to be a hundred, I will never tire of watching CCH Pounder kick the shit out of a group of kung-fu goth kids.
Production values –Â The fight scenes are slick, the effects well done. The demons are pretty icky, and in particular the burning-inside crow demons are really rather snazzy. 4
Dialogue and performances –Â The dialogue is as ridiculous as any urban fantasy exposition, but delivered with a straight face. The main problem with the performances is that they are understated where they need to be fiery. At one point, Jace explains that Bach played precisely and without interpretation is a demon-hunting weapon, while Clary argues that music should have passion. By that standard, much of the acting in this film must be painful to demons. 9
Plot and execution –Â The plot rattles along at a frightening pace, burning through several hundred pages of dense story and backstory at the expense of adequately establishing context and subtext. The combat choreography is slick and precise; the organisation of the expository plot is not. 12
Randomness –Â For the most part, the film keeps a lid on this and is internally consistent. In places you might get a little lost, but that’s the speed, not the cornering. 6
Waste of potential – The film captures approximately half of the essential good points of the book, missing out on the heartwrenching angst through the excessive control of the leads. I might surmise that they were trying to avoid going too far, but the result is that they rein in too much. 10
“Prepare for the end.”
Directed by Peter Hyams
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne, Robin Tunney and Kevin Pollack
A girl born under the sign of the Occulus Dei (Eye of God) is prophesied to be the chosen bride of Satan, mother of the antichrist, blah, blah, blah. While the Vatican debates whether to try and save her or kill her, the international Satanic conspiracy are all over this business like ugly on an iguana, setting one of their own as the midwife and consecrating the kid to the Dark One within minutes of birth.
Twenty-some years on, on the eve of the millennium, young Christine York (Tunney) is plagued by visions, and a Wall Street broker (Byrne) gets possessed by an invisible angel and goes strange. Now the devil incarnate, he goes forth to gather his minions, get laid and claim his bride in the hour before midnight on New Year’s Eve.
Enter Jericho Caine (Schwarzenegger), suicidal but still-mighty ex-cop turned bodyguard and his sidekick, Chicago (Pollack). Hired to protect the broker, Caine’s day goes weird when a priest named Thomas Aquinas takes a shot at his principal. Pursuing the case for no reason whatsoever – especially since the principal has already gone missing – and hampering police investigation in the meanwhile, Caine tracks down Christine and saves her from a pack of Renegade Vatican Masonic Ninja Jesuits.
There follows a series of Satanic shenanigans in which Caine repeatedly refuses to accept that his puny mortal weapons have no effect on the Devil. He resists the temptation to hand over the girl in exchange for his murdered family’s restoration, but is suckered when his detonated buddy appears miraculously unscathed and thus gets himself crucified.
Recovering very quickly, Caine takes out a temple full of Satanists with heavy weapons, blows up the Devil’s host body and faces his true form down in a church. The Devil possesses Caine, but by asking God to give him strength Caine is able to throw himself on the incredibly sharp sword held by a statue of St Michael just at the storke of midnight. As he dies, he sees his family beckon to him.
Aww.
End of Days’ main problem is its sheer, unutterable stupidity. The plot hinges on everybody, from the Pope to the head Satanist to Jericho Caine being a big dummy. The Vatican, despite vast funds and an international organisation, are way behind in this game. The Satanists, despite years of preparation and a massive head start, can’t complete the relatively simple assignment of getting one girl to the right place at the right time. Even the Devil, despite having all the moves, can’t score.
I guess part of the Satanists’ problem is that they’re too busy being gratuitously evil – seducing children, corrupting justice and generally doing the metaphysical equivalent of pissing in the font – to have any really good contingency plans, such as say escape tunnels. It’s also never explained why – for example – since they’ve been raising Christine throughout her period of moral education, they didn’t just teach her that she was the predestined bride of Satan and Queen of the World. Even if she had to be some kind of innocent, you’d think they could have worked it so Satan rescued her from the Renegade Vatican Masonic Ninja Jesuits, after which he’d be in like Flynn.
Oh, and the whole 666=1999 was a hoot.
In a word, the usual suspects. Byrne and Pollack are the real top billers here, but the supporting cast is wonderfully sincere and even Arnie comes off well. The acting here is really very good, so it’s just a shame the script is so very, very stupid.
The effects are also pretty good, with the highlight being the Devil as a floaty, invisible angel and the nadir the Devil as unconvincing horn-ed beasty.
And did we mention: Renegade Vatican Masonic Ninja Jesuits?
Well, to be fair this was one of the real gems of the pre- and immediately post-millennial boom of ‘Book of Revelations’ Y2K movies. Now, in part this is because all the rest were so appalling, but End of Days rattles on at a cracking pace, never seems to take itself too seriously, and besides; where else can you see Miriam Margolyes beating the tar out of Schwarzenegger?
The clergy explain to Jericho that in dreams numbers often appear upside down and back to front, so that the Number of the Beast, 666, actually refers to the year of his release; 1999.
Apparently numbers in dreams also miss off the ‘1’.
Alternatively the Renegade Vatican Masonic Ninja Jesuits busting into Christine’s house to kill her and insisting on giving her the Last Rites first.
Production values –Â Top-notch, with the exception of the crappy devil at the end there. Almost scrapes in very low indeed, but there’s just that element of naffness which can’t be ignored.6
Dialogue and performances – A number of rather talented people – and Rod Steiger – give it their all in this movie, acting their little hearts out, bless their cotton socks. Even Arnie can be seen – once or twice – to emote. Sadly, the script isn’t quite up to this standard, but it’s better than your standard action flick fare, and at least Arnie doesn’t dispatch Satan with a corny kiss-off line. “Hey Satan; go to Hell!” 9
Plot and execution – Oof. What gives here? The plot is a flimsy tissue held together by coincidence and rank stupidity on the part of pretty much all concerned. Still, the direction maintains a certain pace. 14
Randomness – Remember how I said the plot is held together by coincidence? Well, there’s your randomness. Plus, if Renegade Vatican Masonic Ninja Jesuits aren’t random, I don’t know what is. 16
Waste of potential – As noted, one of the very best apocalyptic action thrillers of its time. If only they’d given it a little thought. 7
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