Category Archives: bad movies

Crimson Throne (2013) aka Crimson Winter

Okay; so this cover is somewhat misleading.
Okay; so this cover is somewhat misleading.

“Princes and Vampires Rise Together… Now it’s Time for Blood.”

Directed by Brian Ferriter
Starring Brian Ferriter, Nick Milodragovic and Kailey Michael Portsmouth

Elric (Ferriter), a prince among vampires, chooses to fight alongside his fellow Frenchmen in the Crusades, and later in the Hundred Years War, seeking to fulfill an animal-based prophecy about a lion, a wolf and a falcon that will bring peace between vampires and humans… And then some students (primarily Milodragovic and Portsmouth as engaged couple Dylan and Roxanne) head into rural Montana to do some research into elk mortality.

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The Tomb (2008, or possibly 2009)

This one is going to hurt, isn't it?
This one is going to hurt, isn’t it?

“Death comes to all… but one.”

Directed by Michael Staininger
Starring Wes Bentley, Sofya Skya, Michael Madsen and Eric Roberts

The Story

So, I lined this one up for The Summer of Lovecraft, but it turns out this one isn’t based on Lovecraft’s ‘The Tomb’, but on, well…

This title is far more helpful
This title is far more helpful

The nameless narrator’s marriage to the beautiful, intelligent Ligeia ends with her tragic death. Sometime later, he marries the beautiful Lady Rowena, who also dies, then returns to life, but as Ligeia, who once told her husband that will could overcome death.

The Film

Jonathan Merrick (Bentley) is one of those independently wealthy English lit professors, with a beautiful fiancee named Rowena (Kaitlin Doubleday) and a promising career. But then in walks Ligeia (Skya), a sexy Ukrainian grad student researching the existence of the soul.

Continue reading The Tomb (2008, or possibly 2009)

The Skull (1965)

Our Christopher Lee retrospective continues here on BMM, as we celebrate the great man’s career with a guide to all the many different times he glared intently at Peter Cushing and boomed some hard-sounding shit that, on sober reflection, didn’t necessarily make a whole lot of sense. Or perhaps I’m just referring to this film, 1965’s The Skull:

the-skull-movie-poster-1965-1020433814

“When the skull strikes, you’ll scream!”

Directed by Freddie Francis
Starring Peter Cushing, Patrick Wymark, Jill Bennett and Christopher Lee

Review by gonzohistory, with comments from happyfett.

Back in 18-umpty-ump, a phrenologist digs up a grave, steals the corpse’s head and defleshes the skull. But he promptly dies in a tragic but totally-foreseeable skull-defleshing accident.

Flash forward to swinging London, where Christopher Maitland and Matthew Phillips (Cushing and Lee) are collectors of occult artefacts. Shady antiquities dealer Marco (Wymark) turns up with the skull for sale; he offers it to Maitland, claiming that it’s the skull of the infamous Marquis de Sade. Maitland turns him down, but gradually he becomes fascinated, especially when it appears that the skull was actually stolen from Phillips, who is convinced that it actually contains an evil spirit.

It does. And also there’s a cult of weirdos who dress up like judges and make people play Russian roulette. Or maybe it’s just a dream. And Marco gets murdered, leaving Maitland with the skull. Eventually the skull keeps trying to get Cushing to kill his wife (Bennett) but he doesn’t, and instead he kills himself– or does he?!

He doesn’t; it was the skull.

Continue reading The Skull (1965)

Safe (2012)

'From the Producer of...' is rarely a good sign.
‘From the Producer of…’ is rarely a good sign.

“They have the code. He is the key.”

Directed by Boaz Yakin
Starring Jason Statham and Catherine Chan

Mei (Chan) is a 12 year old mathematical prodigy, kidnapped by the Chinese mob to calculate and memorise their financial operations in New York. When she is re-kidnapped by, but escapes from, the Russian mob, she discovers an unexpected protector in the form of down-and-out former cage fighter, Luke Wright (Statham).

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Bounty Killer (2013)

Despite
Despite the 2042 dateline on that poster, the film was originally set in 1997, inspired by a 70s grindhouse tagline.

“If the suit fits… waste it!”

Directed by Henry Saine
Starring Christian Pitre, Matthew Marsden, Kristanna Loken and Barak Hardley

After rampant corporations went to war with world’s governments in a drive for total deregulation, the shattered remnants of civilisation survive under the benevolent rule of the Council of Nine, who stand for hope, redemption, and the violent execution of white-collar criminals by flamboyant celebrity bounty killers.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle-Poster

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Starring Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Johnny Knoxville and Tony Shalhoub

When reporter April O’Neil (Fox) investigates crimes being carried out by the sinister Foot Clan, she catches sight of a mysterious vigilante. Her colleagues at the news refuse to believe her, but with the aid of cameraman Vern (Arnett), she continues to follow the story. Eventually, the vigilante contacts April and is revealed to be not one but four crimefighters — the titular turtles. Hearing their names, April realises that Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo (sic) and Raphael are the products of Project Renaissance, her late father’s experiment. She reaches out to dad’s former partner, Eric Sacks (Fichtner), but — surprise — he turns out to be the villain. April and the turtles race against time to foil the evil plot of Sacks and his evil ninja master, the Shredder. They succeed.

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Warlords of Atlantis (1978)

Warlords
Don’t get excited by the promise of adult entertainment; there’s more skin on the poster than in the film.

“From the depth of space they came to vanish beneath the sea.”

Directed by Kevin Connor
Starring Doug McClure, Peter Gilmore, Shane Rimmer and Lea Brodie

Professor Aitken and his son Charles (Gilmore) launch an expedition into the depths with the aid of American engineer Greg Collinson (McClure). When they undercover a golden statue from Atlantis, the crew of their ship threaten mutiny against Captain Daniels (Rimmer) to seize the gold. Before it can all go down, however, they all get abducted by a giant octopus!

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Pegasus vs. Chimera (2012)

EPIC!
EPIC!

Directed by John Bradshaw
Starring Sebastian Roche, Nazeen Contractor and Rae Dawn Chong

The would-be Emperor Orthos (Carol Rota) has his court warlock summon the Chimera to be his instrument of destruction. Blacksmith Belleros (Roche) and Princess Philony (Contractor, which I want to believe is an occupation name denoting a long line of senior site managers), seek the aid of the witch Mayda (Chong.) Mayda summons the Pegasus from the heavens to aid them.

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The Last Airbender (2010)

last_airbender_movie_poster_international_01

“Four Nations, One Destiny”

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Starring Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Nicola Peltz and Jackson Rathbone

In a world divided into four nations, where many have the power to ‘bend’ their nation’s element, generations of peace were ended when the Avatar, an individual capable of bending all four elements who acts as mediator between the nations, disappeared (and the Fire Nation set out to conquer the world, not that the prologue makes much of that. A century later, the Fire Nation are still searching for the one threat to their dominance; the reborn Avatar.

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Bulletproof Monk (2003)

They love this image of Chow Yun-Fat with the guns, even though his character is a Buddhist and only fires two shots in a single scene of the movie. It's Chow Yun-Fat with guns, right!
They love this image of Chow Yun-Fat with the guns, even though his character is a Buddhist and only fires two shots in a single scene of the movie. It’s Chow Yun-Fat with guns, right!

“A Power Beyond Measure Requires a Protector Without Equal”

Directed by Paul Hunter
Starring Chow Yun-Fat, Seann William Scott, Jaime King, Karel Rodan and Victoria Smurfitt

A scroll containing the power to reshape the world is protected by a wandering and unaging Monk (Yun-Fat) until such time as humanity is enlightened enough to read it. After sixty years, the Monk is seeking for a successor, but he is relentlessly pursued by Strucker (Rodan) a Nazi hungry for that absolute power.

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