The Tomorrow War (2021)

Directed by Chris McKay (The LEGO Batman Movie)
Starring Chris Pratt (Jurassic World), Yvonne Strahovski (I, Frankenstein), J. K. Simmons (Spider-Man: Far From Home), Betty Gilpin (The Hunt), Sam Richardson (Spy) and Edwin Hodge (Bumblebee)

In December 2022, special forces veteran and very bad teacher Dan Forester (Pratt) struggles to break into serious research, beating up his wheelie bin when he is rejected for a prestigious research position. He and his family – therapist Emmy (Gilpin) and their daughter Muri (Ryan Kiera Armstrong) – watch as a platoon of young soldiers from the future emerge from a time portal in the middle of the World Cup final to announce that the world is losing a war against in 2051 against the Whitespikes, a husband and wife rock duo from Detroit.

Coming to our world, acting like smoking is all cool!

No, wait; that’s the White Stripes.

A multinational military force is sent forward in time to engage the White Stri… Damn; I’m not going to be able to stop thinking that now.

…to engage the Whitespikes, but only 20% survive a seven day tour in the Future War, leading the world to opt for a worldwide draft, basically throwing randos into the future until the problem goes away.

Ah. So the review is going to go like this…

Maximum Ride (2016)

You know… it’s been a while since I reviewed anything truly dire…

“Welcome to Her Nightmare”

Directed by Jay Martin
Starring Allie Marie Evans

A man absconds from an institution in the dead of night, taking a group of children with him, but not his own son. Years later, the oldest of the children, Max (Evans) is their de facto leader and forces them to remain hidden. They are the Flock, a group of experimental hybrids of human and avian DNA, and as a result have fully functioning wings that retract fully into their skinny-ass teenage bodies and other bird-related powers, like enhanced hearing and telepathy. You know, like birds have.

Fearless Tiger (1991)

Must he really?

“A betrayal that couldn’t be forgiven.”

Directed by Ron Hulme
Starring  Jalal Merhi, Bolo Yeung, Monika Schnarre, Jamie Farr, Lazar Rockwood

Lyle (Merhi), a nice Lebanese-Canadian thirty-year-old grad student, falls into depression when his brother is murdered by drug dealers (or dies of an overdose; I wasn’t clear.) He drops his job at the family firm and postpones his wedding, angering his father (Farr) and fiancee (Schnarre), and goes to Hong Kong to study martial arts and earn the red sash of a master of arty martialness.

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

I think Steve James might rate the small print on this one at least.

“The Ultimate American Fighting Machine is Back!”

Directed by Sam Firstenberger
Starring Michael Dudikoff, Steve James, Larry Poindexter, Gary Conway and some women

When the Marines guarding the US Embassy on a small, Caribbean island start disappearing, Washington dispatches Ranger Sergeants Joe Armstrong (Dudikoff) and Curtis Jackson (James) to investigate. Cue Army vs. Marines shenanigans of an extremely low grade. This step seems prescient, when an ambush on an R&R party is launched by ninja.

Looney Tunes: Back in Action (2003)

“Real life has never been so animated.”

Directed by Joe Dante
Starring Brendan Fraser, Jenna Elfman, Steve Martin, Timothy Dalton, Joan Cusack, Heather Locklear and Joe Alaskey (voices)

Following a contract dispute, Daffy Duck is fired from Warner Brothers. In the chaos that ensues, security guard and stuntman DJ (Fraser) is also fired. Daffy follows DJ to the home he shares with his father, action star Damien Drake (Dalton) where they discover that Damien is actually a real-life superspy using his movies as cover (which is of course now the background for Amazon pilot Jean-Claude Van Johnson.)

American Ninja (1985)

American. Ninja. Any questions?

“The deadliest art of the Orient is now in the hands of an American.”

Directed by Sam Firstenberg
Starring Michael Dudikoff, Steve James and Judie Aronson

In the Philippines, surly amnesiac former delinquent loner Joe (Dudikoff) is serving as a private in the US Army. He leads an attempt to fight off hijackers attempting to steal army gear and kidnap the Colonel’s daughter, Patricia (Aronson), but when ninjas appear and massacre the rest of the convoy, the Sergeant blames Joe.

Suicide Squad (2016)

Man, this is going to cause so much shit when the DVD comes out. “It’s all bright and pretty so I bought it for my nine year old…”

“Worst. Heroes. Ever.”

Directed by David Ayer
Starring  Will Smith, Jared Leto, Margot Robbie, Joel Kinnaman, Viola Davis, Jai Courtney, Jay Hernandez, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Karen Fukuhara, Cara Delevingne

In the wake of the second destruction of Metropolis and the death of Superman, government fixer Amanda Waller (Jones) proposes the formation of a team. Composed of ‘the worst of the worst,’ Task Force X is to be a deniable, disposable, arguably metahuman squad, for combating metahuman threats. Her top picks are: Deadshot (Smith), father of the year and world’s greatest sniper; Harley Quinn (Robbie), a ‘true wild card’; Captain Boomerang (Courtney), a bank robber with a boomerang; Diablo (Hernandez), an ex-gang banger with actual superpowers; and Killer Croc (Akinnuoye-Agbaje), a scaled giant. Rounding off the pick are existing assets Enchantress (Delavingne), a six thousand year old metahuman witch controlled by injuring her heart, which is in a box, and Rick Flag (Kinnaman), a special forces officer who is in love with Enchantress’ host, archaeologist June Moone.

Paul (2011)

“Who’s up for a close encounter?”

Directed by Greg Mottola
Starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Seth Rogen, Kirsten Wiig and Jason Bateman

Best friends writer Clive Gollings (Frost) and illustrator Graeme Willy (Pegg) travel to San Diego Comic-Con and from there embark on a UFO road trip. The holiday takes an odd turn, however, when they encounter the fugitive alien Paul (Rogen, voice and mo-cap).

Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Our two heroes fight, and it is in no way an overblown prelude to the actual plot of the movie.

“Who Will Win?”

Directed by Zach Snyder
Starring Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, Amy Adams, Jesse Eisenberg and Gal Gadot

Bruce Wayne (Affleck) loses his family, then years later loses an office block and some bloke named Jack in the battle between Superman (Cavill) and Zod. 18 months later, Superman is framed for killing a bunch of terrorists to rescue Lois Lane (Adams), and both Wayne – alias the Gotham Bat – and rival industrialist Lex Luthor (Eisenberg) begin gunning for the Man of Steel and fighting for control of a rare material with the ability to harm Kryptonians.

The Little Mermaid (1989)

“Love has no boundaries.”

Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker
Starring Jodi Benson, Christopher Daniel Barnes and Pat Carroll

Ariel (Benson), the youngest daughter of King Triton (Kenneth Mars) of the Merfolk, dreams of the wonders of the surface world. When she saves the life of an adventurous prince (Barnes) and falls in love with him, she makes an ill-advised deal with the sea-witch Ursula (Carroll). Ursula transforms Ariel into a human for three days. If she can get the prince to kiss her, she will be human forever; if not, she will belong to Ursula. The cost of the deal is her voice, which ironically is the thing the prince has fallen in love with.