King Kong Escapes (1967)

“Two King Kongs Fight to the Death!”

Directed by Ishiro Honda
Starring Akira Takarada, Rhodes Reason, Mie Hama, Linda Miller, Hideyo Amamoto

Do you know what I haven’t had in a while? A proper bad movie night. Well, that’s what I could have answered yesterday.

UN Kongologists Carl Nelson (Reason) and Jiro Nomra (Takadara) are exploring the waters near Kong’s home on Mondo Island (Skull Island’s post-rebrand nomenclature, I guess,) in a submarine, accompanied by ship’s nurse Susan Watson (Miller). Meanwhile, the diabolical Dr Who (Amamoto) is building a robot Kong based on research stolen from Nelson, bankrolled by a never-specified Asian state which is represented by rubbish secret agent Madame X (Hama, whose character is apparently also known as Madame Piranha), who want him to use the robot to dig up a vast quantity of Element X to kickstart their nuclear programme.

Outcast (2014)

“Crusades!”

“Legends are Born in Battle”

Directed by Nick Powell
Starring Hayden Christensen, Nicolas Cage, Liu Yifei, Ji Ke Jun Yi, Andy On

During the Crusades – doesn’t really matter which ones – Jacob (Christensen) and his mentor/retainer Gallian (Cage) kill some Saracens; probably, in the final analysis, way too many. Gallian is already thinking of getting out, and three years after a particularly bloody siege we find Jacob following Gallian’s dream to head east, because there’s something that you probably didn’t pick up on from that poster.

The Scorch Trials (2015)

Still running.

“The Maze was Only the Beginning”

Directed by Wes Ball
Starring  Dylan O’Brien, Kaya Scodelario, Rose Salazar, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Ki Hong Lee, Jacob Lofland, Aiden Gillen and Giancarlo Esposito

Thomas (O’Brien) and the other Gladers are brought to a staging area in a desert known as ‘the Scorch’, where Theresa (Scodelario) is taken away an the rest are given food and bunks. Thomas is uneasy, however, and together with a boy named Aris (Lofland) from another Maze, uncovers the links between their benefactor Janson (Gillen) and WCKD, forcing the group to go on the run once more, rather than be ‘harvested’.

Peacemaker (1990)

That sullen expression can not encapsulate how bad an actor Lance Edwards is.

“Two cops. One Killer. But who on Earth can tell them apart” (This tagline comes from a poster which makes a much bigger deal of Robert Davi’s role, probably because he was in a Bond film the year before.)

Directed by Kevin Tenney
Starring Robert Forster, Lance Edwards, Robert Davi and Hilary Shepherd

A spaceship crash lands in the sea and its occupant (Edwards) is shot by police while attempting to steal a shotgun. He then wakes up on the slab and kidnaps pathologist Dori Caisson (Edwards), only for them both to be chased by a mysterious man with an enormous handgun (Forster), with Caisson’s would-be boyfriend, tough cop Ramos (Davi) in pursuit.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)

The heroic female lead is on this poster, just very, very small.

Directed by Matthew Vaughan
Starring Colin Firth, Samuel L Jackson, Michael Caine, Mark Strong, Sofia Boutella, Taron Edgerton and Sophie Cookson

Harry ‘Galahad’ Hart (Firth) is the top agent for Kingsman, an international group ‘operating at the highest level of discretion’; in essence, a non-partisan intelligence service dedicated to peace above national interest. The death of Kingsman Lancelot (very briefly Jack Davenport) alerts the agency to the existence of a conspiracy led by software mogul Richmond Valentine (Jackson) and his deadly associate Gazelle (Boutella). It also triggers the search for a new Lancelot, a post for which Hart recommends London council estate lad Eggsy (Edgerton).

Van Helsing (2004)

Sadly, Universal did not own the rights to the kitchen sink.

“Adventure Lives Forever*”

Directed by Stephen Sommers
Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh and David Wenham

Amnesiac badass Gabriel Van Helsing (Jackman) is the chief monster hunter of an interfaith order based in the Vatican and devoted to protecting the world from evil. Dispatched to Transylvania along with friar-engineer Carl (Wenham), he is tasked to help Anna (Beckinsale) the last of the line of Valerious, to fulfil their family duty and destroy Dracula (Roxburgh).

Odd Thomas (2013)

“When evil comes to town, he is the only one who can stop it.”

Directed by Stephen Sommers
Starring Anton Yelchin, Wilhem Dafoe and Addison Timlin

Odd (his actual name) Thomas (Yelchin) sees dead people, and feels that when he does he ought to do something about the circumstances of their deaths. He can also see the Bodach, angry spirits of chaos that feed on fear and death, and thus presage disaster by their presence. When hundreds of Bodach descend on Odd’s small town, he knows that a massacre is in the offing, and only he can prevent it.

Constantine (2005)

“The wager between Heaven and Hell is on Earth.”

Directed by Francis Lawrence
Starring Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weiss, Tilda Swinton, Djimon Hounsou and Shia laBeouf

Grumpy, terminally ill misanthrope John Constantine works as a freelance exorcist, deporting demons to Hell if they cross a line and upset the Balance. When a plot to destroy the Balance forever comes to light, Constantine must rally for one final battle.

Far Cry (2008)

“Err… prompt”

Directed by Uwe Boll
Starring Til Schweiger, Emmanuelle Vaugier and Udo Kier

When boat pilot Jack Carver (Schweiger) accepts a job to ferry Val Cardinal (Vaugier) to meet her uncle and his old army buddy Max (Ralf Moeller) on an island, he finds himself facing off against an army of mercenaries and a cadre of genetically enhanced soldiers created by the sociopathic Dr Krieger (Kier).

The Maze Runner (2014)

At least one of the characters in this poster image is never seen running the maze.

“Get Ready to Run”

Directed by Wes Ball
Starring  Dylan O’Brien, Kaya Scodelario, Aml Ameen, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Ki Hong Lee, Will Poulter and Blake Cooper

Waking in an elevator cage, Thomas (O’Brien) is propelled into the Glade, a community of boys imprisoned in the heart of a vast and shifting maze.