Tag Archives: a serious actor in his/her native blah

Little Women (2019)

“Own Your Story”

Directed by Greta Gerwig (Isle of Dogs, actor)
Starring Saoirse Ronan (The Grand Budapest Hotel), Emma Watson (Noah), Florence Pugh (Fighting With My Family), Eliza Scanlen (Babyteeth), Laura Dern (The Last Jedi), Timothée Chalamet (The King), Meryl Streep (Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again), Tracy Letts (Le Mans ’66), Bob Odenkirk (The Incredibles 2), James Norton (Flatliners), Louis Garrel (Redoubtable) and Chris Cooper (The Muppets)

In the late 19th century, the March sisters – Jo (Ronan), Meg (Watson), Amy (Pugh) and Beth (Scanlen) – live with their mother, Marmee (Dern) while their father (Odenkirk) is fighting in the Civil War. The family has little money, but still supports their less fortunate neighbours, while being themselves supported by their neighbours Laurie (Chalamet) and his grandfather, Mr Laurence (Cooper).

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King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)

This is not your grandfather’s King Arthur.

“From Nothing Comes a King”

Directed by Guy Ritchie
Starring Charlie Hunnam, Àstrid Bergès-Frisbey, Djimon Hounsou, Aidan Gillen, Jude Law, Eric Bana

In the mists of historyish, the wise and valiant King Uther (Bana) is besieged by an army of barbarians and giant, infernal elephants led by the Mage Sorcerer Mordred, because if we’re going to fuck this myth then by God we’re going to fuck it hard and we’re going to fuck it from the word go. He defeats Mordred with the aid of the sword of awesomeness, Excalibur, but is betrayed by his brother Vortigern (Law). Uther and his Queen are murdered, but their son Arthur survives, floating downriver to Londinium.

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Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter (1974)

This may be the most awesomely bad poster ever.
This may be the most awesomely bad poster ever.

“The only man alive feared by the walking dead!”
This is blatant false advertising; they’ve clearly never heard of him.

Directed by Brian Clemens
Starring Horst Janson, Caroline Munro, John Cater and Wanda Ventham

A small village in Transylwherever is plagued by a rash of early onset old age, so local physician Doctor Marcus (John Carson) calls on the aid of his old army buddy, the often shirtless Captain Kronos (Janson). Kronos and his friend, the hunchbacked Professor Hieronymus Grost (Cater), arrive with all speed – stopping only to rescue a girl named Carla (Munro) sentenced to the stocks for dancing on a Sunday – and begin an investigation with toads, bells and herbal cigarettes, for they are vampire hunters. Professional vampire hunters.

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Summer of Lovecraft: Colour from the Dark (2008)


“It sucks the life out of you.”

Directed by Ivan Zuccon
Starring Debbie Rochon, Michael Segal and Marysia Kay

The Story

In ‘The Colour Out of Space’, a surveyor visits a blasted farm near Arkham. Unable to learn much… Wait, we covered this for Die, Monster, Die!

The Film

Rural Italy, 1943. Pietro (Segal) works his farm with the help of his wife Lucia (Rochon) and her mute, childlike sister Alice (Kay), while his brothers are at war.


Continue reading Summer of Lovecraft: Colour from the Dark (2008)

Bad Movie Superstars: Rutger Hauer

“Maybe not such a good actor, but he looks good and will do and dare anything.” – Hauer’s reference for his breakthrough role in Floris

He was an android supersoldier built to win, not to last; he hunted Satanic rat-monsters through the flooded streets of London and held a plane hostage for Satan. He’s a Golden Globe winner and Oscar nominee (well, he was in a nominated best foreign film), and tried to hit on my ex on the set of the Sam Neill-starring Arthurian event miniseries Merlin.

He is, of course, Rutger Hauer.


Now, that picture is from back in the day, because while with some bad movie superstars there’s just no telling why they have a career, with Hauer we can say it in two words: Blade Runner. Whatever you may think about Ridley Scott’s adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, its status as a cult classic is unassailable, and Hauer’s depiction of a military ‘replicant’ driven to psychosis by the impending end of his purposely truncated lifespan – including the famous, largely improvised, tears in rain speech – is a big part of it. The wild eyes, the platinum-pale hair, the soft voice and barely-human body language all combine to demand to know why in the hell the only other thing he did for twenty years was a line of Guiness adverts?

The answer is that it wasn’t. Despite the fall-off of higher profile material, he’s rarely been out of work for long: just take a look at his Filmography on Wikipedia.

Of particular note are some of his European films:

  • Escape from Sobibor (1987 TV) for which he won a Golden Globe for best actor
  • Legend of the Holy Drinker (1988), which won multiple awards and nominations. Hauer won Seattle’s Golden Space Needle Award for best actor, the film won the Venice Film Festival Golden Lion (it was never released in the US unfortunately)

Pre-Blade Runner he also had two critically acclaimed collaborations with a young Dutch director named Paul Verhoeven.

  • Soldaat van Oranje (1977) (Soldier of Orange) which won the LA Film Critics Award for best foreign film, with Hauer nominated for another Golden Globe
  • Turks Fruit (1973) (Turkish Delight), which was voted best Dutch film of the the 20th century, while Hauer was voted best actor; nominated for Oscar for best foreign film

My original bad movie superstar entry for Hauer received a scathing condemnation for ignoring these works.

Also worth attention are Split Second, where Hauer battles giant rat-beasts and angry British character actors, and Ladyhawke, ill-advised electro soundtrack aside.

His big break was playing the lead in Floris, a mediaeval adventure serial directed by Verhoeven in 1969. Check this shit out:


So why, I hear you ask, is this titan of the European cinema a bad movie superstar and not the Dutch Gerard Depardieu? Well, again in two words, Albert Pyun. More expansively, a great deal of Hauer’s bad movie cache comes from his frequent collaborations with Pyun and other low-budget directors as he passed his prime, filled out from the lissom figure he cut in Blade Runner and started taking work to pay the bills (such as the Guiness ads, in which his white-blonde hair saw him costumed in black to represent a pint of Guiness).

He mostly plays grizzled veterans these days, and growls his way through roles that a lesser man might balk at. There is, it seems, no dialogue so trite that he won’t have a go at it, and he’s usually a game performer – although occasionally even he seems to be plodding through a particular stinker – whatever else may be wrong with the films he is in.

He’s also a bit of a sleaze who hit on my ex on the set of Merlin, but you can’t have everything.