“Protect the bloodline” or “Every bloodline must end” which feels like they aren’t sure what the film is about
Directed by Anna Foerster Starring Kate Beckinsale, Theo James, Lara Pulver, Tobias Menzies, Bradley James, Clementine Nicholson and Charles Dance
With the vampire covens on the verge of annihilation in the face of the Lycan onslaught, the remaining vampires suddenly really care about the fact that Selene (Beckinsale) killed the elder Viktor (Bill Nighy) back in the first movie, while the Lycans want the blood of her daughter, Eve, in order to become super-hybrids. Erstwhile ally David (Theo James), brings an offer of amnesty from the Eastern Coven, who want her to train their Death Dealers to be less shit. She accepts, but is betrayed by the elder Semira (Pulver) and her goon Varga (Bradley James) who want to drain her superblood, before being saved by David and his father Thomas (Dance), who sacrifices himself to get the other two away from the coven.
Directed by Genddy Tartakovsky Starring Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Selena Gomez, Kevin James, Steve Buscemi, David Spade, Keegan-Michael Key, Mel Brooks
Dracula (Sandler) oversees the marriage of his daughter Mavis (Gomez) and her human boyfriend Johnny (Samberg), opening the Hotel Transylvania to non-monsters with the aid of buddies Frank (James), Wayne (Buscemi), Griffin (Spade) and Murray (Key) (Frankenstein’s monster, a werewolf, the Invisible Man and a mummy.) Not long after, Mavis announces her pregnancy, and soon the family is joined by Dennis (Asher Blinkoff).
Directed by Patrick Tatopoulos Starring Michael Sheen, Rhona Mitra and Bill Nighy
In ye olde Transylwherever (I’d say at least five centuries south of Captain Kronos, but it’s hard to say for sure,) the war between the savage werewolves and the corsetry-pioneering vampires wages on, despite the captivity of William, the first werewolf. Then the birth of an apparently human child to a captive werewolf leads to the creation of a new breed of immortal; the shapeshifting werewolves known as Lycans.
“The only man alive feared by the walking dead!”
This is blatant false advertising; they’ve clearly never heard of him.
Directed by Brian Clemens Starring Horst Janson, Caroline Munro, John Cater and Wanda Ventham
A small village in Transylwherever is plagued by a rash of early onset old age, so local physician Doctor Marcus (John Carson) calls on the aid of his old army buddy, the often shirtless Captain Kronos (Janson). Kronos and his friend, the hunchbacked Professor Hieronymus Grost (Cater), arrive with all speed – stopping only to rescue a girl named Carla (Munro) sentenced to the stocks for dancing on a Sunday – and begin an investigation with toads, bells and herbal cigarettes, for they are vampire hunters. Professional vampire hunters.
“Princes and Vampires Rise Together… Now it’s Time for Blood.”
Directed by Brian Ferriter Starring Brian Ferriter, Nick Milodragovic and Kailey Michael Portsmouth
Elric (Ferriter), a prince among vampires, chooses to fight alongside his fellow Frenchmen in the Crusades, and later in the Hundred Years War, seeking to fulfill an animal-based prophecy about a lion, a wolf and a falcon that will bring peace between vampires and humans… And then some students (primarily Milodragovic and Portsmouth as engaged couple Dylan and Roxanne) head into rural Montana to do some research into elk mortality.
Directed by Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein Starring Kate Beckinsale, Stephen Rea, Michael Ealy, Theo James and India Eisley
Following directly from the end of the previous movie, we open with a narrated montage to get rid of Scott Speedman’s character and accelerate the plot into the future, because fuck continuity; am I right?
Anyway, humanity finds out about the Lycans and the vampires and a purge begins under a militarised medical establishment led by Dr Jacob Lane (Rea). Selene (Beckinsale) and Michael are blown up and she wakes upside down in a cryonic tank twelve years later, collects her combat catsuit, battle corset and eight inch assault heels from a cupboard right beside the tank and murders her way out of the building to look for Michael. Instead, she finds a vampire named David (James) and a girl named Eve (Eisley) who turns out to be a hybrid, and her daughter.
Directed by Taika Waititi and Jemaine Clement Starring Taika Waititi, Jemaine Clement (you may notice a pattern here; they also wrote it), Rhys Darby, Cori Gonzalez-Macuer, Stu Rutherford, Jonathan Brugh, and Ben Fransham
In a dingy house in Wellington, four vampires have a flat share: Viago (Waititi) is a 16th century dandy, Vladislav (Clement) is a former Transylvanian warlord, Deacon (Brugh) is the 180-year old rebel bad boy of the group, and Petyr (Fransham) is Deacon’s 8,000-year old progenitor, a taciturn monster who lives in the cellar and looks like Count Orlock in Nosferatu. Their quiet lives of slightly sad dissipation among New Zealand’s vampire community are thrown into disarray, first when they become the subjects of a documentary film crew, and then when Petyr turns one of their victims, Nick (Gonzalez-Macuer).
Directed by Len Wiseman Starring Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Derek Jacobi and Tony Curran
After the events of Underworld, Selene (Beckinsale) and Michael (Speedman) go into hiding in the wilds of Caucasistan*, hunted not by the now-defunct vampire establishment but by the last elder, Markus Corvinus (Curran), first vampire, winged hybrid, and wearer of some seriously samurai loon pants.
Directed by Michael and Peter Spierg Starring Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe, Sam Neill and Claudia Karvan
Beginning in 2009, a plague has swept across the globe, converting the majority of the world’s population into vampires. Humanity is a rapidly dwindling resource. Synthetic blood seen as the only alternative to starvation and devolution into monstrous, vampire-eating ‘subsiders’, but a few human survivors and their vampire sympathisers plan to find a different solution; a cure.
Directed by Stephen Sommers Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh and David Wenham
Amnesiac badass Gabriel Van Helsing (Jackman) is the chief monster hunter of an interfaith order based in the Vatican and devoted to protecting the world from evil. Dispatched to Transylvania along with friar-engineer Carl (Wenham), he is tasked to help Anna (Beckinsale) the last of the line of Valerious, to fulfil their family duty and destroy Dracula (Roxburgh).