Category Archives: 61-70%

Maximum Ride (2016)

You know... it's been a while since I reviewed anything truly dire...
You know… it’s been a while since I reviewed anything truly dire…

“Welcome to Her Nightmare”

Directed by Jay Martin
Starring Allie Marie Evans

A man absconds from an institution in the dead of night, taking a group of children with him, but not his own son. Years later, the oldest of the children, Max (Evans) is their de facto leader and forces them to remain hidden. They are the Flock, a group of experimental hybrids of human and avian DNA, and as a result have fully functioning wings that retract fully into their skinny-ass teenage bodies and other bird-related powers, like enhanced hearing and telepathy. You know, like birds have.

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Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom (2016)

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“For Howard, things are about to get R’lyeh crazy.”

Directed by Sean Patrick O’Reilly
Starring Christopher Plummer, Ron Perlman, Jane Curtin, Sean Patrick O’Reilly and Kiefer O’Reilly

Howard Lovecraft (Kiefer O’Reilly) is a melancholy boy, troubled by his father’s descent into madness, which has left as his only caregiver a mother who thinks that taking a small child to visit his dangerously unstable father in an Arkhamesque asylum (it may in fact be the original Arkham Asylum) run by dodgy occultist snarkmeister Dr West (Plummer) is a grand plan. Likewise replacing a bedtime story with just handing him his father’s journal of increasingly deranged scribblings to read as he goes to sleep.

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Fearless Tiger (1991)

Must he really?
Must he really?

“A betrayal that couldn’t be forgiven.”

Directed by Ron Hulme
Starring  Jalal Merhi, Bolo Yeung, Monika Schnarre, Jamie Farr, Lazar Rockwood

Lyle (Merhi), a nice Lebanese-Canadian thirty-year-old grad student, falls into depression when his brother is murdered by drug dealers (or dies of an overdose; I wasn’t clear.) He drops his job at the family firm and postpones his wedding, angering his father (Farr) and fiancee (Schnarre), and goes to Hong Kong to study martial arts and earn the red sash of a master of arty martialness.

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After Earth (2013)

"It's a film about a son struggling to live up to the reputation of his effortlessly successful father..."
“It’s a film about a son struggling to live up to the reputation of his effortlessly successful father…”

“Danger is Real. Fear is a Choice.”

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Starring Will Smith, Jaden Smith

In the future, humanity has abandoned the ruin of Earth for the paradisical climes of Nova Prime. The evacuation was led by the United Ranger Corps, who later became the only line of defence against an alien aggressor who deployed as their first line of attack a breed of monsters that hunted humans by smelling their fear: the Ursa. To fight these creatures, the Prime Commander Cypher Raige (Smith) developed the ability to feel no fear, a technique known as ‘ghosting’.

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Independence Day: Resurgence (2016)

independence-day-resurgence

“We had twenty years to prepare. So did they.”
or
“We always knew they’d be back.”
or
“The last attack was just the first.”
Finally, a movie that knows how to tagline!

Directed by Roland Emmerich
Starring Liam Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Jessie T. Usher, Bill Pullman, Maika Monroe, William Fichtner, Sela Ward, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Deobia Oparei, Judd Hirsch, Brent Spiner, Vivica A. Fox, Angelababy and Travis Tope

Twenty years after the 4th July defeat of the alien invasion, Earth is putting the finishing touches to its hybrid-tech defence grid when a new threat appears in a mothership that puts down over the Atlantic like a planetary beret and tries to drill out the planet’s molten core.

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Street Fighter (1994)

Original Cinema 1-Sheet Poster - Movie Film Posters
Honestly, this poster looks like Bison is cruising in his floating pimpmobile in front of a billboard advertising a Van Damme picture.

“Get ready for the ultimate street fight!”

Directed by Steven E. de Souza
Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Raul Julia, Ming-Na Wen, Damian Chapa, Kylie Minogue, Byron Mann and Wes Studi

In the South-East Asian republic of Shadaloo, an Allied Nations peacekeeping force commanded by Colonel Guile (Van Damme) is apparently acting as some sort of unilateral authority, ostensibly to battle the renegade warlord M Bison (Julia), but seemingly spending more of their time being rude to journalists like Chung-Li Zhang (Wen) and enforcing a curfew on the largely faceless citizens of Shadaloo City.

Continue reading Street Fighter (1994)

Spawn (1997)

Never mind the acting, look at the graphics!
Never mind the story, look at the graphics!

“From flesh to steel. From blood to blade. From man…to Spawn.”

Directed by Mark A. Z. Dippe
Starring Michael Jai White, Martin Sheen, Nicol Williamson and John Leguizamo

Al Simmons (White) is a top operative for A-6, a government deniable black ops group with huge fricking signs on their building, run by Jason Wynn (Sheen) and his pet psychopath Priest (Melinda Clarke). When he learns that A-6 is using him to run ops with heavy civilian casualties, Simmons announces his intention to retire and marry his fiancee Wanda (Theresa Randle).Unsurprisingly, Wynn and Priest murder him up a treat.

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Fantastic Four (2015)

Fant-four-stic!
Fant-four-stic!

“Change is Coming”

Directed by Josh Trank
Starring Miles Teller, Jamie Bell, Kate Mara, Michael B Jordan and Toby Kebbell

Child genius Reed Richards (Teller, or he will be when he grows up) builds a teleporter with the help of his friend Ben Grimm (Bell, again, once they grow up.) Dismissed by teachers throughout their lives, Reed is at last recruited by Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey) to work on his interdimensional teleporter, along with his adopted daughter Sue (Mara) and tearaway son Johnny (Jordan), and the originator of Storm’s programme, grumpy Latverian Victor von Doom (Kebbell).

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Summer of Lovecraft: Beyond Re-Animator (2003)

beyond_re_animator_poster

“Welcome to a world where death is only the beginning”

Directed by Brian Yuzna
Starring Jeffrey Combs, Jason Barry, Simon Andreu and Elsa Pataky

The Story

This film is a sequel to Re-Animator, rather than an adaptation of the original story. It ignores much of the ending of the first film, however, largely in order to bring Combs’ West back in.

The Film

During the ‘Miskatonic massacre’, one of the reanimated corpses escapes and kills a young woman as her brother, Howard Phillips (geddit?), watches. Phillips later sees Herbert West (Combs) being taken away by the police. Years later, West is continuing his work in prison, when Phillips (Barry) arrives as the new prison doctor, bringing the last of the reagent and asking to work with West.

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The Summer of Lovecraft: From Beyond (1986)

FROM-BEYOND

“Humans are such easy prey.”

Directed by Stuart Gordon
Starring Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, Ken Foree and Ted Sorel

The Story

Never professionally published during Lovecraft’s life, “From Beyond” was written in 1920 and published in fanzine form in 1934. It deals with an unnamed narrator who visits his friend, Dr Crawford Tillinghast. Tillinghast has developed a way to activate dormant sensory organs to see higher dimensions. As Tillinghast’s device works, the narrator perceives strange other realities, until it becomes clear that Tillinghast means to feed him to the creatures, at which point he shoots the machine and passes out. Tillinghast has a heart attack.

The Film

The basics of Lovecraft’s story are present here, but given a strong Gordonian spin. Crawford Tillinghast (Combs) works for Dr Edward Pretorius (Sorel). When the resonator they’re building reveals higher dimensions to them, one of the spooky other-dimensional models kills Pretorius. Crawford runs away and is locked up in a psychiatric institution. Doctor Katherine McMichaels (Crampton) wants to prove he’s not insane, so she goes with him and tough cop Bubba Brownlee (Foree) to investigate the house and repeat the experiment.

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