Category Archives: 61-70%

The Lighthouse (2020)

“The light has its mysteries.”

Directed by Robert Eggers
Starring Willem Dafoe (Aquaman) and Robert Pattinson (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

Two lighthouse keepers (Dafoe and Pattinson) are dropped at their charge on a barren, isolated rock for a four week tour of duty. Ground down by the physical toil of the work assigned by his senior, the relentless howling of the signal siren and the antagonism of a malevolent, one-eyed seagull, the younger man – Ephraim Winslow – finds solace in masturbation and fantasies of mermaids and murder, while the senior – Thomas Wake – routinely sits naked in the lantern overnight, possibly with some sort of sex octopus.

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Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindlewald (2018)

“The fate of one will change the future of all.”

Directed by David Yates
Starring Eddie Redmayne, Katherine Waterston, Dan Fogler, Alison Sudol, Ezra Miller, Zoë Kravitz, Callum Turner, Claudia Kim, William Nadylam, Kevin Guthrie, Jude Law and Johnny Depp

When Gellert Grindelwald (Depp) breaks out of custody during transport to Europe, the British Auror Office sets out to hunt him down in Paris (and writing this, I suddenly can’t work out why they are the ones apparently in charge of this.) Among the hunters are Theseus Scamander (Turner) and his fiancée Leta Lestrange (Kravitz), while US Auror Tina Goldstein (Waterson) tries to track down the obscurus Credence Barebones (Miller), who in turn is looking for his identity, with the aid of the cursed circus performer Nagini (Kim). Into all this comes Newt Scamander (Redmayne), sent by Albus Dumbledore (Law) to find Credence before anyone can kill him, or Grindlewald recruit him.

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Pan (2015)

“In the beginning… he was just a boy.”

Directed by Joe Wright
Starring Levi Miller, Hugh Jackman, Garrett Hedlund, Rooney Mara, Adeel Akhtar, Kathy Burke, Nonso Anozie and Amanda Seyfried

 Okay, so first up, this movie has already been reviewed by Skerryflower, so I’m not going to go into detail about the opening sections. However, I think the movie broke her about twenty minutes in, so…

After the establishing sections in the London Blitz, Peter is kidnapped along with a large number of other children by pirates in a flying galleon, who whisk them through some sort of vortex to Neverland, where they are greeted by a freeform, acapella rendition of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ performed by Blackbeard (Jackman) and his child slaves, who mined Neverland for ‘pixum’ (like fairy dust, but mined as crystals,) which Blackbeard uses to stay young.

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Maximum Ride (2016)

You know... it's been a while since I reviewed anything truly dire...
You know… it’s been a while since I reviewed anything truly dire…

“Welcome to Her Nightmare”

Directed by Jay Martin
Starring Allie Marie Evans

A man absconds from an institution in the dead of night, taking a group of children with him, but not his own son. Years later, the oldest of the children, Max (Evans) is their de facto leader and forces them to remain hidden. They are the Flock, a group of experimental hybrids of human and avian DNA, and as a result have fully functioning wings that retract fully into their skinny-ass teenage bodies and other bird-related powers, like enhanced hearing and telepathy. You know, like birds have.

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Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom (2016)


“For Howard, things are about to get R’lyeh crazy.”

Directed by Sean Patrick O’Reilly
Starring Christopher Plummer, Ron Perlman, Jane Curtin, Sean Patrick O’Reilly and Kiefer O’Reilly

Howard Lovecraft (Kiefer O’Reilly) is a melancholy boy, troubled by his father’s descent into madness, which has left as his only caregiver a mother who thinks that taking a small child to visit his dangerously unstable father in an Arkhamesque asylum (it may in fact be the original Arkham Asylum) run by dodgy occultist snarkmeister Dr West (Plummer) is a grand plan. Likewise replacing a bedtime story with just handing him his father’s journal of increasingly deranged scribblings to read as he goes to sleep.

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Fearless Tiger (1991)

Must he really?
Must he really?

“A betrayal that couldn’t be forgiven.”

Directed by Ron Hulme
Starring  Jalal Merhi, Bolo Yeung, Monika Schnarre, Jamie Farr, Lazar Rockwood

Lyle (Merhi), a nice Lebanese-Canadian thirty-year-old grad student, falls into depression when his brother is murdered by drug dealers (or dies of an overdose; I wasn’t clear.) He drops his job at the family firm and postpones his wedding, angering his father (Farr) and fiancee (Schnarre), and goes to Hong Kong to study martial arts and earn the red sash of a master of arty martialness.

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After Earth (2013)

"It's a film about a son struggling to live up to the reputation of his effortlessly successful father..."
“It’s a film about a son struggling to live up to the reputation of his effortlessly successful father…”

“Danger is Real. Fear is a Choice.”

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Starring Will Smith, Jaden Smith

In the future, humanity has abandoned the ruin of Earth for the paradisical climes of Nova Prime. The evacuation was led by the United Ranger Corps, who later became the only line of defence against an alien aggressor who deployed as their first line of attack a breed of monsters that hunted humans by smelling their fear: the Ursa. To fight these creatures, the Prime Commander Cypher Raige (Smith) developed the ability to feel no fear, a technique known as ‘ghosting’.

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Rebourne – Independence Day: Resurgence (2016)


“We had twenty years to prepare. So did they.”
“We always knew they’d be back.”
“The last attack was just the first.”
Finally, a movie that knows how to tagline!

Directed by Roland Emmerich
Starring Liam Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Jessie T. Usher, Bill Pullman, Maika Monroe, William Fichtner, Sela Ward, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Deobia Oparei, Judd Hirsch, Brent Spiner, Vivica A. Fox, Angelababy and Travis Tope

The Original

In 1996, Independence Day blew up the White House and changed the face of summer event cinema, for better and for considerably worse. It set a new standard in bombastic speeches and civic devastation, and was a lot of fun. It became the second highest grossing film of all time, propelled SF into the mainstream and made destroying major landmarks cool. A sequel was an absolute no-brainer.

Flash forward two decades…

The Late Sequel

Twenty years after the 4th July defeat of the alien invasion, Earth is putting the finishing touches to its hybrid-tech defence grid when a new threat appears in a mothership that puts down over the Atlantic like a planetary beret and tries to drill out the planet’s molten core.

Continue reading Rebourne – Independence Day: Resurgence (2016)

Street Fighter (1994)

Original Cinema 1-Sheet Poster - Movie Film Posters
Honestly, this poster looks like Bison is cruising in his floating pimpmobile in front of a billboard advertising a Van Damme picture.

“Get ready for the ultimate street fight!”

Directed by Steven E. de Souza
Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Raul Julia, Ming-Na Wen, Damian Chapa, Kylie Minogue, Byron Mann and Wes Studi

In the South-East Asian republic of Shadaloo, an Allied Nations peacekeeping force commanded by Colonel Guile (Van Damme) is apparently acting as some sort of unilateral authority, ostensibly to battle the renegade warlord M Bison (Julia), but seemingly spending more of their time being rude to journalists like Chung-Li Zhang (Wen) and enforcing a curfew on the largely faceless citizens of Shadaloo City.

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Spawn (1997)

Never mind the acting, look at the graphics!
Never mind the story, look at the graphics!

“From flesh to steel. From blood to blade. From man…to Spawn.”

Directed by Mark A. Z. Dippe
Starring Michael Jai White, Martin Sheen, Nicol Williamson and John Leguizamo

Al Simmons (White) is a top operative for A-6, a government deniable black ops group with huge fricking signs on their building, run by Jason Wynn (Sheen) and his pet psychopath Priest (Melinda Clarke). When he learns that A-6 is using him to run ops with heavy civilian casualties, Simmons announces his intention to retire and marry his fiancee Wanda (Theresa Randle).Unsurprisingly, Wynn and Priest murder him up a treat.

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