Tag Archives: heaving bosoms

Rebourne: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017)

“The Game Has Evolved”

Directed by Jake Kasdan
Starring Dwayne Johnson, Karen Gillan, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Nick Jonas and Bobby Cannavale

The Original

Years after a boy is sucked into a mysterious board game, two more children find the game and begin to play. In order to avoid getting trapped themselves, they must play the game to the end, and in the process learn some important lessons about themselves.

The Late Sequel

In 1996 a teenager finds, but sets aside the Jumanji board game. To lure him in, it becomes a computer game. Twenty years later, four mismatched students – nerdy gamer Spencer (Alex Wolff), jock Fridge (Ser’Darius Blain), queen bee Bethany (Madison Iseman) and angry young woman Martha (Morgan Turner) – are given detention and tasked with clearing out old papers from the basement. There they find the game, and it pulls them in.

Continue reading Rebourne: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017)

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Justice League (2017)

Yeah, spoilers; Superman is back.

“Unite the League”

Directed by Zack Snyder (and Joss Whedon)
Starring Gal Gadot, Ben Afflex, Jason Momoa, Ray Fisher, Ezra Miller, Henry Cavill and Ciaran Hinds

In the wake of Superman’s death, the world is going a bit crazy. Wonder Woman (Gadot) and Batman (Afflek) try to keep a lid on things, but when Steppenwolf (Hinds) shows up and steals an artefact called the Mother Box from the Amazons, it’s time to bring together the metahumans identified by Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg): Arthur ‘Aquaman’ Curry (Momoa), Barry ‘The Flash’ Allen (Miller), and Victor ‘Cyborg’ Stone (Fisher).

Continue reading Justice League (2017)

Gallowwalkers (2012)

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“Live by the gun. Die by the gun. Come back for more.”

Directed by Andrew Goth
Starring Wesley Snipes, Kevin Howarth, Riley Smith, Tanit Phoenix, Patrick Bergin, Diamond Dallas Page and Simona Brhlikova

A desert. A child in a bad wig hauling buckets of blood. A man on a horse. A body. A woman with an axe. A group of yellow-eyed, gunslinging cardinals re-enacting the opening sequence of Once Upon a Time in the West. Gruff, internal monologuing cowboy Aman (Snipes) apparently shoots four men with two shots, then rips one man’s head off.

Continue reading Gallowwalkers (2012)

Immortal (2004)

Pyramid power!
Pyramid power!

“The Ancient Gods Have Returned”

Directed by Enik Bilal
Starring Linda Hardy, Thomas Kretschmann, Charlotte Rampling, Frédéric Pierrot

New York, 2095. Central Park is an inapproachable ‘intrusion zone’ and a giant pyramid hovers over the futuristic skyline. Genetically altered humans live side by side with the unaltered, but as second class citizens, while political power resides with the CGI elite. When the Egyptian god Horus (Thomas M. Pollard) is sent to spend one last week on Earth before being executed for a crime that is never really specified, he inhabits the body of altered rights activist Nikopol (Kretschmann) – after blowing up several less acceptable bodies – and goes in search of Jill (Hardy) a white-skinned, blue-haired woman who is capable of bearing him a child.

Continue reading Immortal (2004)

Tale of Tales (2015)

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“A feast for the imagination”

Directed by Matteo Garrone
Starring Salma Hayek, Vincent Cassel, Toby Jones and John C. Reilly

Once upon a time, there was a Queen (Hayek) who could not bear a child. At the advice of a necromancer, the Queen’s husband (Reilly) slays a sea monster. The King is also killed, but the Queen eats the heart of the monster and is instantly pregnant. She and the virgin kitchen maid who cooks the heart give birth to identical boys even before the King’s funeral, attended by two other monarchs: a King (Cassel) whose appetites know no restraint, and another King (Jones) with a beloved daughter.

"There. Sure glad I don't look stupid in this."
“There. Sure glad I don’t look stupid in this.”

Continue reading Tale of Tales (2015)

The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)

Buckle up, kids; we're in for a weird ride.
Buckle up, kids; we’re in for a weird ride.

“This movie is totally out of control”

Directed by John Landis
Starring… Well, no one really.

This film is not so much a single film as a series of sketches, including news and current affairs parodies, mock advertisements and movie trailers and spoof pornography. The longest single segment is A Fistful of Yen, a half hour parody of Enter the Dragon which ends up as a Wizard of Oz pastiche.

Continue reading The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies

Badass.
Badass.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”

Directed by Burr Steers
Starring Lily James, Sam Riley and Jack Huston

In a Regency era Britain beset by hordes of the undead, Elizabeth Bennett (James) and her sisters have been trained in the martial arts to repel the zombie horde from their family estate. When the wealthy Mr Bingley (Douglas Booth) buys nearby Netherfield Hall – recently vacated after an outbreak of zombism at a wist party – Mrs Bennett (Sally Phillips) sees a chance to begin marrying her daughters out of what she sees as an undesirable warrior lifestyle. Jane (Bella Heathcoat) soon falls in with Mr Bingley, but Lizzie falls into an altogether more confrontational relationship with Bingley’s friend, professional zombie killer, Colonel Darcy (Riley).

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Crimson Throne (2013) aka Crimson Winter

Okay; so this cover is somewhat misleading.
Okay; so this cover is somewhat misleading.

“Princes and Vampires Rise Together… Now it’s Time for Blood.”

Directed by Brian Ferriter
Starring Brian Ferriter, Nick Milodragovic and Kailey Michael Portsmouth

Elric (Ferriter), a prince among vampires, chooses to fight alongside his fellow Frenchmen in the Crusades, and later in the Hundred Years War, seeking to fulfill an animal-based prophecy about a lion, a wolf and a falcon that will bring peace between vampires and humans… And then some students (primarily Milodragovic and Portsmouth as engaged couple Dylan and Roxanne) head into rural Montana to do some research into elk mortality.

Continue reading Crimson Throne (2013) aka Crimson Winter

Iron Sky: The Director’s Cut (2012)

Do not expect subtlety
Do not expect subtlety

“We Come in Peace”

Directed by Timo Vuorensola
Starring Julia Dietze, Christopher Kirby, Gotz Otto, Peta Sergeant, Stephanie Paul and Udo Kier

In 2018, a politically-motivated US moon landing discovers a hidden Nazi stronghold. One of the astronauts is killed and the other, African-American model James Washington (Kirby) taken prisoner.

Continue reading Iron Sky: The Director’s Cut (2012)

Summer of Lovecraft: Beyond Re-Animator (2003)

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“Welcome to a world where death is only the beginning”

Directed by Brian Yuzna
Starring Jeffrey Combs, Jason Barry, Simon Andreu and Elsa Pataky

The Story

This film is a sequel to Re-Animator, rather than an adaptation of the original story. It ignores much of the ending of the first film, however, largely in order to bring Combs’ West back in.

The Film

During the ‘Miskatonic massacre’, one of the reanimated corpses escapes and kills a young woman as her brother, Howard Phillips (geddit?), watches. Phillips later sees Herbert West (Combs) being taken away by the police. Years later, West is continuing his work in prison, when Phillips (Barry) arrives as the new prison doctor, bringing the last of the reagent and asking to work with West.

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