Underworld: Blood Wars (2016)

“Protect the bloodline” or “Every bloodline must end” which feels like they aren’t sure what the film is about

Directed by Anna Foerster
Starring Kate Beckinsale, Theo James, Lara Pulver, Tobias Menzies, Bradley James, Clementine Nicholson and Charles Dance

With the vampire covens on the verge of annihilation in the face of the Lycan onslaught, the remaining vampires suddenly really care about the fact that Selene (Beckinsale) killed the elder Viktor (Bill Nighy) back in the first movie, while the Lycans want the blood of her daughter, Eve, in order to become super-hybrids. Erstwhile ally David (Theo James), brings an offer of amnesty from the Eastern Coven, who want her to train their Death Dealers to be less shit. She accepts, but is betrayed by the elder Semira (Pulver) and her goon Varga (Bradley James) who want to drain her superblood, before being saved by David and his father Thomas (Dance), who sacrifices himself to get the other two away from the coven.

Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015)

“Drac’s pack is back.”

Directed by Genddy Tartakovsky
Starring Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Selena Gomez, Kevin James, Steve Buscemi, David Spade, Keegan-Michael Key, Mel Brooks

Dracula (Sandler) oversees the marriage of his daughter Mavis (Gomez) and her human boyfriend Johnny (Samberg), opening the Hotel Transylvania to non-monsters with the aid of buddies Frank (James), Wayne (Buscemi), Griffin (Spade) and Murray (Key) (Frankenstein’s monster, a werewolf, the Invisible Man and a mummy.) Not long after, Mavis announces her pregnancy, and soon the family is joined by Dennis (Asher Blinkoff).

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

It’s remarkable how little Michael Sheen looks like Michael Sheen in this picture; more a gracile Russell Crowe than a seriously ripped Simon Pegg.

“Every War Has a Beginning.”

Directed by Patrick Tatopoulos
Starring Michael Sheen, Rhona Mitra and Bill Nighy

In ye olde Transylwherever (I’d say at least five centuries south of Captain Kronos, but it’s hard to say for sure,) the war between the savage werewolves and the corsetry-pioneering vampires wages on, despite the captivity of William, the first werewolf. Then the birth of an apparently human child to a captive werewolf leads to the creation of a new breed of immortal; the shapeshifting werewolves known as Lycans.

Underworld: Awakening (2012)

Never mind the dialogue, check out the corsetry.

“Vengeance Returns”

Directed by Måns Mårlind and Björn Stein
Starring Kate Beckinsale, Stephen Rea, Michael Ealy, Theo James and India Eisley

Following directly from the end of the previous movie, we open with a narrated montage to get rid of Scott Speedman’s character and accelerate the plot into the future, because fuck continuity; am I right?

Anyway, humanity finds out about the Lycans and the vampires and a purge begins under a militarised medical establishment led by Dr Jacob Lane (Rea). Selene (Beckinsale) and Michael are blown up and she wakes upside down in a cryonic tank twelve years later, collects her combat catsuit, battle corset and eight inch assault heels from a cupboard right beside the tank and murders her way out of the building to look for Michael. Instead, she finds a vampire named David (James) and a girl named Eve (Eisley) who turns out to be a hybrid, and her daughter.

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

“My God. Brother, what have you done?”

Directed by Len Wiseman
Starring Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Derek Jacobi and Tony Curran

After the events of Underworld, Selene (Beckinsale) and Michael (Speedman) go into hiding in the wilds of Caucasistan*, hunted not by the now-defunct vampire establishment but by the last elder, Markus Corvinus (Curran), first vampire, winged hybrid, and wearer of some seriously samurai loon pants.

Werewolf: The Beast Among Us (2012)

Sadly, only about half of these characters have a substantial role in the film.

“There wolf! There castle!”

Directed by Louis Morneau
Starring Ed Quinn, Guy Wilson and Stephen Rea

A family is attacked by a werewolf. The young son is the sole survivor, and years later is a hunter of werewolves with his own team of Transylvanian steampunk Expendables. Charles (Quinn) and his crew have put down dozens of beasts and have a fearsome reputation when they are called on to hunt a particularly dangerous foe; a beast with all the power of a werewolf, three days in which to hunt, and all the intelligence of a man.

The Wolfman (2010)

Now I understand… and it’s time to leave the woods.

“The Legend is Alive”

Directed by Joe Johnston
Starring Benicio del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt and Hugo Weaving

Actor Lawrence Talbot (del Toro) is summoned to his family home by his brother Ben’s fiancee, Gwen (Blunt) with news of Ben’s death. Ben was killed by some beast in the woods near Talbot House, and Lawrence determines to track and destroy it. His father (Hopkins) seems oddly sanguine about the whole business, while Inspector Aberline (Weaving) of Scotland Yard has his eye on Lawrence.

Red: Werewolf Hunter (2010)

This is going to hurt, isn’t it?

“A SyFy Original Movie”

Directed by Sheldon Wilson
Starring Felicia Day, Kavan Smith and Stephen McHattie

Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived in the woods, but this story isn’t about her. It’s about her ancestors. Virginia ‘Red’ Sullivan (Day) is a federal agent (agency unspecified) and the latest daughter of a family of werewolf hunters. When she brings her fiance Nathan (Smith) to meet her family, the last thing she expects is for it to become their last stand.

Van Helsing (2004)

Sadly, Universal did not own the rights to the kitchen sink.

“Adventure Lives Forever*”

Directed by Stephen Sommers
Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh and David Wenham

Amnesiac badass Gabriel Van Helsing (Jackman) is the chief monster hunter of an interfaith order based in the Vatican and devoted to protecting the world from evil. Dispatched to Transylvania along with friar-engineer Carl (Wenham), he is tasked to help Anna (Beckinsale) the last of the line of Valerious, to fulfil their family duty and destroy Dracula (Roxburgh).

The Hammer Horror Drinking Game

Since this seems to be a popular feature, let’s have another go at getting blind drunk through a terrible movie (for those of you who drink). This one is built for classic Hammer gothic horror, but will work for just about anything with a castle and some gore in it.

The master will not join you for dinner, for he does not drink… wine.

Music, please!

• The film features a ‘name’ monster (Dracula, Frankenstein)! Take a shot
  • In the title! Take a shot
  • But they pretend it’s going to be a surprise! Take a shot
• A scene takes place in a rustic inn! Take a shot

“No, no; I’m not local. I’m Father Sandor, from Lanarkshire.”

• In Eastern Europe! Take a shot
• But the locals have Devon yokel accents! Take a shot

• Necklines are a little bit too low for a proper period piece! Take a shot
  • Or for any period piece! Take a shot
  • Or for any self-respecting erotic thriller! Take a shot
  • And they actually fall off given the slightest encouragement! Take a shot
• The monster apparently falls in love with the heroine on first sight! Take a shot
  • And spurns a faithful thrall because of it! Take a shot
• A vampire is old school enough to cover his neck nibbling with a lifted cape! Take a shot
• Some poor fool gets bled into a coffin/murdered for parts! Take a shot

When the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius…

• A character goes where they clearly shouldn’t! Take a shot
  • Alone! Take a shot
  • And barefoot! Take a shot
• Characters refuse to respond to obvious danger signs! Take a shot
• Characters ignore the immense creepiness of a servant or coachman! Take a shot
• Characters ignore the one member of their party who is aware of how fucked they are! Take a shot
• The expert throws in a new piece of monster lore! Take a shot
  • Which is a vulnerability! Take a shot
  • And it’s what kills the monster! Take a shot
• The expert completely overrules an existing piece of monster lore! Take a shot
  • And someone dies for later relying on it! Take a shot
• BONUS: The vampire doesn’t drink… wine! Empty the bottle