Directed by Matteo Garrone Starring Salma Hayek, Vincent Cassel, Toby Jones and John C. Reilly
Once upon a time, there was a Queen (Hayek) who could not bear a child. At the advice of a necromancer, the Queen’s husband (Reilly) slays a sea monster. The King is also killed, but the Queen eats the heart of the monster and is instantly pregnant. She and the virgin kitchen maid who cooks the heart give birth to identical boys even before the King’s funeral, attended by two other monarchs: a King (Cassel) whose appetites know no restraint, and another King (Jones) with a beloved daughter.
Directed by Nick Powell Starring Hayden Christensen, Nicolas Cage, Liu Yifei, Ji Ke Jun Yi, Andy On
During the Crusades – doesn’t really matter which ones – Jacob (Christensen) and his mentor/retainer Gallian (Cage) kill some Saracens; probably, in the final analysis, way too many. Gallian is already thinking of getting out, and three years after a particularly bloody siege we find Jacob following Gallian’s dream to head east, because there’s something that you probably didn’t pick up on from that poster.
Directed by Paul Greengrass Starring Matt Damon, Alicia Vikander, Tommy Lee Jones, Vincent Cassel, Julia Stiles and Riz Ahmed
Based – really loosely – on a novel by Robert Ludlum, 2002’s The Bourne Identity kinda sorta changed the nature of the espionage action movie… I won’t say completely and forever, but substantially and in ways that are still felt today. It brought a harder edge to action with its brutal fight scenes and jarringly intimate, naturalistic camerawork. The franchise made star Matt Damon into a megastar as Jason Bourne, an amnesiac assassin turned into the perfect weapon by a CIA program called Treadstone. It was followed by the increasingly loose adaptations The Bourne Supremacy (2004) and The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) and then in 2012 by The Bourne Legacy, with Jeremy Renner’s Aaron Cross replacing Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne in what was intended to be the start of a new chapter in the series. After the lacklustre box office and critical response of Legacy, the series returned to type, lead and director with 2016’s Jason Bourne.
The Late Sequel
Series veteran Nicky Parsons (Stiles), hacks a CIA black ops database for information on its ongoing program of superspies and other shenanigans. With cyber-ops supremo Heather Lee (Vikander) on her trail, Parsons contacts Bourne to arrange a meet in Athens during a riot.
Directed by Kazuaki Kiriya Starring Clive Owen, Morgan Freeman, Cliff Curtis, Aksel Hennie, Ayelet Zurer and Tsuyoshi Ihara
The Ako incident was a historical event in feudal Japan, in which the forty-seven surviving retainers of Lord Asano Naganori took bloody revenge on the Imperial courtier who had their master dishonoured and executed. Fictionalised accounts of the event, known collectively as Chushingura, are a staple of Japanese literature, to the point that the true and fictional versions are difficult to disentangle. Hollywood finally copped to the story in 2013’s 47 Ronin. This film starred Keanu Reeves as the obligatory white character, although the rest of the cast was Japanese, and added fantastical elements. In 2015, a reimagining of the story was produced, with few Japanese cast and a mediaeval European aesthetic, but a Japanese director.
After a great war, an order of warriors emerged to protect an Empire, the Knights of the Seventh Rank.
Led by Commander Raiden (Owen), the retainers of Lord Bartok (Freeman) exemplify the code and honour of the knights in a time when they are in decline, with the Empire increasingly under the grasping hand of corrupt Minister Geza Mot (Hennie). Denied a bribe, Mot goads Bartok into striking him in order to have him executed and dishonoured, his retainers scattered and his family dispossessed.
My handle is happyfett, and I remember everything.
Actually, that’s blatantly untrue; memory like a sieve, and in fact I have typically found myself in a Dirty Harry style quandary regarding the Resident Evil movie franchise. Have I seen five movies, or just four? Well, for now at least I know, because with The Final Chapter coming out next year, in time for the franchise’s fifteenth anniversary, I’ve spent the past couple of days catching up as far as possible on the series. I couldn’t get the first and third movies easily, but I had already seen them.
So, here we go with a run down of the first five Resident Evil movies.
Directed by David Ayer Starring Will Smith, Jared Leto, Margot Robbie, Joel Kinnaman, Viola Davis, Jai Courtney, Jay Hernandez, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Karen Fukuhara, Cara Delevingne
In the wake of the second destruction of Metropolis and the death of Superman, government fixer Amanda Waller (Jones) proposes the formation of a team. Composed of ‘the worst of the worst,’ Task Force X is to be a deniable, disposable, arguably metahuman squad, for combating metahuman threats. Her top picks are: Deadshot (Smith), father of the year and world’s greatest sniper; Harley Quinn (Robbie), a ‘true wild card’; Captain Boomerang (Courtney), a bank robber with a boomerang; Diablo (Hernandez), an ex-gang banger with actual superpowers; and Killer Croc (Akinnuoye-Agbaje), a scaled giant. Rounding off the pick are existing assets Enchantress (Delavingne), a six thousand year old metahuman witch controlled by injuring her heart, which is in a box, and Rick Flag (Kinnaman), a special forces officer who is in love with Enchantress’ host, archaeologist June Moone.
Arthur Bishop (Statham) is a meticulous assassin who carries out carefully planned assignments which involve dressing up as chefs and jumping off bridges. when his mentor Harry (Sutherland) comes up on his hit list he goes through with it, but from a sense of guilt begins to bond with Harry’s son Steve (Foster) and teaches him to be a hitman as a means of channeling his rage.
Directed by Michael Winner Starring Charles Bronson, Jan-Michael Vincent and Keenan Wynn
Meticulous hitman Arthur Bishop (Bronson) tries to intercede with the organisation on behalf of his mentor Big Harry (Wynn), but instead finds himself tasked with Harry’s assassination. From a mixture of loneliness and guilt, he takes Harry’s son Steve (Vincent) under his wing and begins to train the reckless boy as a ‘mechanic’.
Directed by Patrick Tatopoulos Starring Michael Sheen, Rhona Mitra and Bill Nighy
In ye olde Transylwherever (I’d say at least five centuries south of Captain Kronos, but it’s hard to say for sure,) the war between the savage werewolves and the corsetry-pioneering vampires wages on, despite the captivity of William, the first werewolf. Then the birth of an apparently human child to a captive werewolf leads to the creation of a new breed of immortal; the shapeshifting werewolves known as Lycans.
“The only man alive feared by the walking dead!”
This is blatant false advertising; they’ve clearly never heard of him.
Directed by Brian Clemens Starring Horst Janson, Caroline Munro, John Cater and Wanda Ventham
A small village in Transylwherever is plagued by a rash of early onset old age, so local physician Doctor Marcus (John Carson) calls on the aid of his old army buddy, the often shirtless Captain Kronos (Janson). Kronos and his friend, the hunchbacked Professor Hieronymus Grost (Cater), arrive with all speed – stopping only to rescue a girl named Carla (Munro) sentenced to the stocks for dancing on a Sunday – and begin an investigation with toads, bells and herbal cigarettes, for they are vampire hunters. Professional vampire hunters.