Directed by Dexter Fletcher
Starring Chris Evans and Ana de Armas
Salt-of-the-earth Cole falls head over heels for enigmatic Sadie — but then makes the shocking discovery that she’s a secret agent. Before they can decide on a second date, Cole and Sadie are swept away on an international adventure to save the world.
So, normally I try and follow HappyFett’s template here. You know…what’s wrong with the movie, what’s right. But not today. Today I’m gonna just throw a stream of consciousness at you, written as I watched this horror. I’m sorry. It’s all I can do.
I did not think it would be as bad as the reviews suggested.
Friends. It was worse. It wasn’t even fun nonsense trash. It was just…bad. Look, spoilers follow, but I’m really not sure I *can* spoil this film, so bad is it.
Chris Evans plays the most unconvincing nerdy/stay at home/slightly too clingy farm boy ever. No, Chris Evans. You aren’t a history nerd desperate for a nice girl who gets dumped for being too clingy. No one believes it. I’m not sure you believe it, actually.
He meets Ana de Armas in a bad wig at a farmer’s market. They have the most excruciating argument about house plants ever. A fellow stall holder tells Chris Evans ‘your sexual chemistry there was off the charts’ which is bizarre as frankly, I saw more sexual chemistry between Chris Evans and the begonia he was selling Ana de Armas. But in a fit of weirdness (which is what drives most of this film actually) he takes her word for it, and runs off to throw himself in front of Ana de Armas car and ask her out on a date. Instead of calling the police she agrees. I do not know why she agrees. I would not agree. I have watched Criminal Minds and I’m pretty sure this is the kind of thing serial killers do.
They spend 24 hours together, doing assorted random meet cute stuff; museums, art galleries, karaoke, hot sex. All very blandly, however. Weirdly blandly. The Athena poster art of first dates. And at the end of the date, somehow, Chris Evans ‘accidentally’ puts his asthma inhaler (does he even need an asthma inhaler?) in her bag for reasons which the film never explains.
At this point I began to believe this entire film was actually the concoction of a defence lawyer, trying to explain why Chris Evans was not a serial killer and there was a totally innocent explanation for all these bodies left piled up in various European locations.
Anyway, Ana de Armas vanishes, Chris Evans is weird and stalkerish and texts her a billion times. She does not reply so he FLIES TO THE UK TO STALK HER SOME MORE.
The film continues to desperately pretend this isn’t a very extended prelude to a Criminal Minds episode. I am not convinced.
He gets to England and bizarre shenanigans occur. Chris Evans is ‘mistaken’ for a ‘spy’, despite being an innocent farm boy. I’m actually on Team International Terrorist here. I don’t buy his ‘I’m just a nice guy who likes farming’ schtick either. Bizarre spy shenanigans ensue. It’s like Dexter Fletcher watched ‘True Lies’ without ever understanding the point. Also, I find myself bemused as to how Arnold Schwarzenegger was somehow a more convincing ‘everyman’ than Chris Evans, despite being ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. How does this work?
Celebrity cameos appear. They make no sense on any level. The only thing I have learned from this is that Chris Evans remains on very good terms with his Avengers co-stars which is…nice? I guess? I don’t know what they are doing here. In the meta story I’m weaving in my mind, I wonder if the lawyer has brought them in as character witnesses. “He always seemed like a nice quiet guy” claims Sebastian Stan (playing God).
Adrian Brody turns up as the Big Bad. In his eyes is a deep seated sadness. He knows he was once the youngest actor to win an Oscar. He remembers the Pianist. Now he is here and he doesn’t know what happened to him. He dies. I think it might have been an assisted suicide. Sometimes it’s better that way.
The film ends. Chris Evans and Ana de Armas STILL have no sexual chemistry. None. Not a drop. Never before have I seen a woman look at Chris Evans with such a total lack of desire. I think on some level she knows that he’s a serial killer. They agree to date in between Ana de Armas secret missions. All I can hear now is the closing argument from Chris Evans’ lawyer. Ana de Armas isn’t dead! There is no body! She’s away on a secret mission! No one can prove a thing!
Chris Evans smirks into the camera. He knows what he has done.
Ratings
Production values – I mean, it’s not bad exactly, but also, what the fuck is going on with Ana de Armas wig? 4
Dialogue and performances – horrendous. Mind blowing. Awful. Not in a cool fun way either. Just in a constantly stilted and never plausible kind of way. Seriously, this film makes Zak Snyder sound naturalistic. 15
Plot and execution – made more sense as a Criminal Minds murder story. 15
Randomness – see above. 10
Waste of potential – so, True Lies was really good and basically had the same premise… 17
The Bad Movie Marathon 
Honestly, the advent of streaming services as blockbuster movie producers has been a godsend for bad movie lovers. No mainstream studio would invest in something like this, or The Tomorrow War, or Moonfall. It makes me so happy to see real high concept nonsense given a budget and a straight face, instead of thruppence ha’penny and a knowing wink. Sure, it’s often dreadful, but that’s what this blog was created for after all, and I’ll take glossy tosh over bland competence any day.