“Nowhere to Run. Nowhere to Hide.”
Directed by Richard Clabaugh
Starring Adrian Paul, Megan Blake, Luke Eberl, Danny Trejo
Next Sunday AD, and after one too many terrorist attacks the US has passed the Freedom of Observation Act, creating a unified surveillance system linking all security cameras to the Optical Defence Intelligence Network (ODIN – because naming your computer after a god couldn’t possibly go wrong.) DHS Agent Gunner (Paul) follows up intel provided by ODIN’s mobile cameras – the titular eyeborgs – and stumbles on a plot, seemingly to assassinate the president.
As Gunner and journalist Barbara Hawkins (Blake) pursue their leads, it becomes increasingly apparent that the supposedly benevolent eyeborgs can not be trusted. The president’s deadbeat nephew Jarrett (Eberl) and his friendly local luthier G-Man (Trejo) are also involved, with the latter planting a bomb in the former’s guitar before a presidential command performance at a pre-election rally. At last, Gunner realises that there is no president anymore, and that ODIN has been manufacturing incidents and wars to force the creation of more units under its control and so spread its own influence.
What’s wrong with it?
The eyeborgs are rather obvious CGI.
The script is pretty clunky, especially when it comes to exposition. Special mention for the line ‘I haven’t had a cigarette since the government made smoking illegal.’
The acting is of a mixed quality, but mostly in the lower end of the range. After several decades of working in the States, Paul’s accent is still rotten.
I’m reasonably sure that one of the SWAT team in the final battle is shot dead twice, which is particularly unlucky. I attribute this to the fact that she had her hair back, but with a long fringe hanging right in her eyes.
What’s right with it?
The eyeborg designs are actually pretty cool, especially the rotating eye section of the crab-bots, and the tiny flick-out weapons of the mini-cams.
The mini-cams are straight up adorable, and all the eyeborgs have so much personality we were straight up rooting for them for much of the film.
The film, written as a satire of post-Gulf War surveillance culture, chillingly foresees the modern ‘fake news’ furore.
There are a few bits of dialogue that rise above the standard, and some genuinely clever moments.
The near-ubiquitous presence of the eyeborgs is very effective. Sort of like The Birds, but with fewer feathers.
How bad is it really?
Eyeborgs has all the ingredients of a really bad movie, but somehow it works. Kind of. It’s not great, but it’s got some sort of heart to it, a sense of ambition and striving that puts it streets ahead of hack jobs like Sharknado.
Best bit (if such there is)?
To silence a recovering alcoholic cameraman who knows the truth, the eyeborgs slosh booze all over him while he’s driving and force him to crash. As petrol leaks from the car, one of the minicams trots over and flicks out a teeny, tiny blowtorch.
What’s up with…?
- The importance attached to Gunner’s backstory? Supposedly his testimony was part of what got the Freedom of Observation Act passed, but the crime involved was a murder-kidnapping, with little or no terrorist involvement (unless the kid really was his son.)
- The kid? We speculated whether this was in fact Gunner’s kidnapped son but no answer was forthcoming from the film.
- Zimbekistan? This is a film that really didn’t want to name a real country.
- The exotic car wash? Is that even a thing? And regardless of its ‘no camera’ policy, why do the eyeborgs stay out? I guess either they’re bashful, respectful, or just vulnerable to water damage.
Ratings
Production values – While far from perfect, this is actually a pretty solid piece of low budget film-making. Yes, the 2009 CGI is barely a step up from the model work in 1984’s The Terminator, but that was ahead of its time, damnit!10
Dialogue and performances – The cast deliver a… workmanlike performance of a bland script enlivened by occasional gems. It’s like the movie equivalent of good suet pudding. It’s a good example of its type, but it’s still a suet pudding. 13
Plot and execution – For a budget conspiracy thriller, the plot is surprisingly good. It relies on one substantial coincidence, but arguably ODIN is supposed to have set this up. 8
Randomness – Zimbekistan? Exotic car wash? 8
Waste of potential – Eyeborgs is a fine example of what can be done on a limited budget if you apply yourself instead of goofing around and hoping people will accept your terrible movie if you say you did it on purpose. 5
The Bad Movie Marathon 
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