From the Archive – Bones (2001)

Bones (2001)

“This Halloween, unleash the dogg.”

Directed by Ernest Dickerson
Starring Snoop Dogg, Pam Grier, Michael T. Weiss and Clifton Powell

 In 1979, Snoop Dogg is Jimmy Bones, a gangster who rolls around the neighborhood accompanied by his sidekick Shotgun, doing nice things for people. He gets murdered.

    Skip forward to the modern day, where a clueless group of multicultural teens are buying Bones’s old house to open their nightclub in. Despite warnings from neighborhood psychic Pam Grier and her attractive daughter, the club opens… only to be terrorized by the revived Bones, eager for vengeance on the people who killed him long ago.

    Surprise surprise, the idiot young folks are descended from one of Bones’s murderers. Bones goes on a killing spree, knocking off his killers and their descendants one by one until finally only Patrick ( Khalil Kain) and aforementioned attractive daughter Cynthia (Bianca Lawson) have to track him to his lair and banish him.

What’s wrong with it?

Godawful cheesy-ass special effects, particularly the blood, which looks like red paint mixed with Pepto-Bismol. The plot more or less makes sense, but the execution is irritating. Performances are terrible, including a particularly disappointing turn by Ginger Snaps star Katharine Isabelle. Snoop Dogg is actually one of the best performers in the film, since he’s basically just playing his stage persona. It also has a cheesy nightclub sequence, gratuitous scantily clad women, and the obligatory Snoop-dominated soundtrack.

What’s right with it?

Snoop Dogg is, funnily enough, pretty good, but the real scene-stealer is Ricky Harris as local crime kingpin Eddie Mack. Bones severs Eddie’s head and carries it around with him, still wisecracking. As a gothic horror movie, it’s OK, but a little limp.

How bad is it really?

Bad enough to be funny, if it weren’t for the long, dragging scenes with the earnest young people. Not hip enough to inhabit their roles well and not old enough to ham unabashedly, they stumble through the hoary plot, failing at every turn to provide us with reasons to care about them – or even distinguish one of them from another.    

Best bit (if such there is)?

• Eddie Mack: “My soul? I killed you, you killed me, we’re even. Why you gotta get all metafuckinphysical, n***a? Shit!”
• Cynthia, finding herself in a crazy necropolis full of Gigeresque twisted walls and trapped spirits: “This is the city of the dead.” You don’t say.
• Bones, closing in for the kill on the hapless Patrick: “Surprise, n***a!”
• Bones’s scary dog, after tearing out someone’s throat: “The gangster of love don’t need no fried chicken!”

What’s up with…? 

• Bones’s dog? It can turn into other animals, vomit maggots, look like a person, talk, slice, dice, and give your floors a shine like never before! And where does it go halfway through the movie?
• Pearl the psychic? If she’s so dingdang psychic, how come she only sees danger coming when it’s too late? And come to that, Bones kills his faithful henchman Shotgun because he betrayed him. But Pearl betrayed Bones in much the same way, and he’s not mad at her, oh no. Talk about a double standard…
• Shotgun? Is he high all the time? There are lots of hams in the movie, but he’s the biggest of all, gurning his way through every scene like a sort of black Rowan Atkinson.

Ratings

Production values – not too bad, I guess. Competently shot, if a little dim. The 70s flashback sequences are pretty neat. Special effects are dismal, though. 13

Dialogue and performances – rotten. Snoop, Grier, and Harris are worth your time, but the charismatic young leads are dull enough to drag the average down. 14

Plot and execution – well, it’s pretty much just a standard revenge-from-beyond-the-grave scenario. The scenes are strung together with no real relation to one another, particularly Bones’s manifestations in the early part of the film. 14

Randomness – high randomness, particularly in the first half and right toward the end. 16

Waste of potential – well, it’s hard to say. With some hipper young leads and a good unifying idea for the ghost-Bones, it could have been a lot better, but it’s pretty much a blaxploitation horror flick, so what did you expect? 14

Overall 71%

From the Archive – Velocity Trap (1997)

Velocity Trap (1997)

“Crime at the speed of light”

Inflicted by Phillip J. Roth
Starring Olivier Gruner, Alicia Coppola and Jorja Fox

In a weird future setting where electronic commerce has been destroyed by crime, a cargo ship has to carry a load of cash money between planets. Disgraced cop Olivier Gruner is given the crummy assignment of guarding the cash after being framed by a superior who is also a romantic rival. While the ship passes through an asteroid field, space-hijacker types board the ship and Gruner must fight them off more-or-less alone. Predictable plot “twists” are provided by the space pirates and ship’s crew continually trying to double-cross one another and get their hands on the loot.

What’s wrong with it?

In two words: Olivier Gruner. In a few more words: Olivier Gruner, the king hell pig run of all implausible settings, and cheap-jack production values. Jorja Fox and some guy as the space pirate leaders ham the hell out of their roles, which only serves to throw Gruner’s almost schizophrenic lack of affect into sharp relief.

What’s right with it?

Hmmm. Uh, OK! Here’s a thing. Gruner’s character and his shipmate are nicely ambiguous. As a cop who’s been kicked around by the forces of law and order, it would be traditional for him to be really upright and noble all the time. But in fact he’s really tempted by the idea of making off with the loot and writing off his beautiful but useless girlfriend. It’s left unclear at the ending, which is kind of nice.

How bad is it really?

Really? It’s bad. If you’re making a science fiction movie and you don’t have any money, you need to have good ideas or good performances. This has neither.

Best bit (if such there is)?

Easy. Left alone on the spaceship for months while the crew hibernate, Stokes (I just looked it up, and Olivier’s called Stokes in this movie) goes a little peculiar. This leads to the greatest scene in Olivier’s career, as he ballet dances around the empty ship in his long johns. It is absolutely amazing, and it’s twice as alarming coming in the middle of such a bland movie.

What’s up with…?

• space pirate Fallout and his bazooka? Big guy has to have a big gun, I guess, but I’m not sure it’s a terribly practical weapon indoors.
• Jorja “her from CSI” Fox and the armour with boobs on it? I guess in the future breasts will be much larger and need greater protection.
• electronic funds transfers are no longer possible, so money is transferred between banks on different planets in shipments that take years? Rather than, say, each planet just having a totally separate economy.
• Olivier’s girl being some other guy’s “contract wife?” It’s not important, she’s barely in the movie; it’s just five minutes of needless exposition.

Ratings

Production values: Poor. CGI effects courtesy of Babylon 5. 15

Dialogue and performances: Oh hell no. 18

Plot and execution: Standard. Romantic failure, space pirates! Bang bang aaah. 12

Randomness: A certain amount. Shifty economy, uncalled for space battle scene. Also space ballet — good but random.13

Waste of potential: It’s got Olivier Gruner in it. On the other hand, replace him with, I dunno, Bruce Campbell and it could have been very good. 11

(like a lot of Gruner works, it dodges the bullet on Waste of Potential)

Overall 69%

From the Archive – Nemesis (1993)

Nemesis (1993)

“In the future, it pays to be more than human.”

Inflicted by Albert Pyun
Starring Olivier Gruner, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Tim Thomerson and Brion James

Right. Alex is a cop, see, and he’s hunting these terrorists called the Red Army Hammerheads. The RAH are cyborgs. Or maybe they don’t like cyborgs. Anyway, Alex gets shot up by them and has to have even more of his meaty bits replaced with robot parts. He pursues his quest for vengeance to “Baja, New America,” where he guns down the people who shot him up. He then confronts the LAPD types who follow him, and tells them he’s quitting.
Good so far?
More time passes, and we find Alex eking out a mercenary lifestyle in the “New Rio net.” He gets bushwhacked by a cyborg and taken to confront his LAPD boss (Tim Thomerson) and his inexplicably European minions. They tell him he’s got a bomb in him and send him off to Java or somewhere to track down some terrorists. Or something. A chip with his ex-girlfriend’s personality (Personality is a pretty strong term for it – The Prophet) on it comes into it somewhere. Surprise surprise, Tim Thomerson was the baddie all along, being in actuality an evil cyborg who replaced the real Tim Thomerson and who now chases Alex and this girl he just met all over hell and gone, shooting at them with an arsenal of high-tech waprons.
Yes, waprons. Goodness defeats wickedness, hurrah hurrah.

What’s wrong with it?

Olivier Gruner fails to bring the necessary tenderness and humanity to his role as a none-too-bright robot. Special effects are crude, fight scenes are stilted and dull, and the love interest was obviously sleeping with the director, which just goes to show that if your name is Albert Pyun, even being a Hollywood director is not enough to get the really pretty girls. He’s going to have to start dealing coke.

What’s right with it?

 Uh, some of the scenery is kind of nice, I guess, when they’re in the south pacific. And Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is funny as a tropical gangster. But he’s not in it for long.

How bad is it really?

 I saw this movie with Happyfett and our friend Tim, and those hardened veterans were ready to gnaw their own legs off to get away. And Happyfett wasn’t even drinking.

Best bit (if such there is)?

Alex and girl-he-just-met fly away from robo-Thomerson in a plane on strings. But the villain clings to the bottom and clambers up to attack! In the ensuing struggle (which is all done in stop-motion; it’s kind of like watching Jack Skellington kick King Kong’s ass), robo-Thomerson grabs Gruner’s head and scrapes it against the plane’s torn bulkhead, peeling the skin off his forehead, revealing gleaming metal beneath!. Course, we already knew Alex was a cyborg, so it’s really not that big a deal.

What’s up with…?

• “cyborg” meaning “robot” in this world?
• the New Rio net? It’s totally inexcusable that this was not called “neo-Rio.”
• “Baja, New America?” “Baja” just means “lower.” Baja what? I mean, yeah, OK, people call Baja California “Baja” for short, but that’s still not its name.
• the LAPD’s incredible expanding jurisdiction? Not only do they send Alex to chase crooks in Bora Bora or wherever, but when he gets there the crooks are hiding from the LAPD.
• the haircuts? Whenever Pyun needs to tell us that time has passed, he changes Alex’s haircut, from Moe-cut to mullet to low-top fade. He’s like a one-man Kid ‘n’ Play of the future.
• the Red Army Hammerheads? I think I saw them opening for Midnight Sunstone Bazooka.
• gunheads? The cyborg superweapon is this titchy little gun that emerges slowly from the machine’s head. Wouldn’t a pistol just be more efficient?
• The wapron? It’s this titchy little gun that blows robo-Thomerson into robo-smithereens. Of course, he gets back up, but it’s a very big blast for such a small wapron.
• Albert Pyun’s strange need to dump tons of backstory on us before the chasing can begin? It’s not like anyone gives a crap about Alex’s motivations.

Ratings

Production values: Poor, even allowing for it being 1993. Unforgivable in areas like props and armoury, which aren’t that expensive. 17

Dialogue and performances: Nope. 15

Plot and execution: Remember Blade Runner? Well, imagine if it sucked. 17

Randomness: Well, if you mean “random” in the sense of “proceeds with no rhyme or reason” then, well, yeah. 15

Waste of potential: The relationship between humanity and technology has been the basis of many great stories. This is not one of them. 13

Overall 78%

From the Archive – Razor Blade Smile (1998)

Razor Blade Smile (1998)

“Part Seductress. Part Assassin. All Vampire.”

Inflicted by Jake West
Starring Eileen Daly and Christopher Adamson

Lilith Silver (Daly, and that name should give you an idea of the kind of film we’re dealing with here) is a 19th century (I guess) woman who shoots Sethane Blake (Adamson), a vampire who kills her lover (or someone) in a duel. The bullet doesn’t affect him much, but he’s so moved by her bravery or something that he turns her into a vampire. Skip forward to the present where Lilith is a hitwoman assassin-type person in a dodgy leather catsuit. She’s assassinating members of a mysterious organization called the Illuminati who wear cheap novelty gift rings. Their leader appears to be none other than – gasp! – Sethane Blake again, and he sets his pet police inspector, Price (Jonathan Coote) on her. We follow Lilith around as she kills people, has sex with people (and kills them), gets in trouble with the law, etc., until eventually she goes after Blake in a big showdown with a super-ass lame twist ending.

What’s wrong with it?

•  “Lilith Silver?”
• At one point, she goes into a goth club and in the background they’re playing – shock horror! – “Bela Lugosi’s Dead.” It’s a bit on the nose, isn’t it?
• Interminable pompous ham voice-overs.
• Effects that would disgrace a Hammer film.
• Lilith’s ridiculous internet chat-room thingy.
• Silver’s boyfriend is called Platinum.
• Someone claims to admire Price’s – my hand to God – “dogged determinism.”
• The sex scenes manage to combine being really pretty unerotic with feeling sleazy and vile.
• The vampires are into the head-cutting-off thing, so you get to see what Highlander would be like if no one involved could fence worth a damn.

What’s right with it?

Price. He rocks. Sent to take out the vampire, he’s initially sceptical, but when shown evidence he gets right down to whittling stakes and chewing garlic. When Lilith wounds him with one of his own stakes, he steals some PCP from evidence and takes it so as to feel invulnerable. And when Blake offers to reward him for his good service by turning him into a vampire, he tops himself rather than have to put up with these wankers for all eternity. Having seen the film, I know how he feels…

How bad is it really?

If you’re both a goth and a moron, or ironically post-goth, it’s probably pretty enjoyable. For the rest of us, it’s just unbearable.

Best bit (if such there is)?

Well, if it isn’t any of Price’s bits, it’s the part where Lilith is creeping into a house and her catsuit creaks. Which, if you think about it, they probably do if you don’t have a good sound editor.

What’s up with…?

• note to all future henchlings. When someone throws a cellphone at you, and then it rings, DO NOT PICK IT UP. If you absolutely must, remember that only ONE of you is required to answer the phone.
• the cheesy-ass Halloween novelty rings the Illuminati wear? Kind of a cut rate bunch of secret masters.
• the horrible horrible horrible voiceover narration? Sounds like a high school production of a phone sex dominatrix.
• And leave us not forget the pathologist, so wittily nicknamed ‘Horror Movie Man’ (The Prophet).

Ratings

Production values: Feeble. Shoddy camera work, poor lighting, bargain-basement effects (including the infamous “blue-for-night” filter). 15

Dialogue and performance: Execrable. Horrible, horrible overacting, particularly among the vampires. The appalling, pig-ignorant dialogue doesn’t help. 20

Plot: Weak. The core plot – secret society hunts vampire – is pretty consistent, but it tends to wander at length, usually when the director realizes it’s been 20 minutes and it’s time for another fight or sex scene. 16

Randomness: well, not that much, really. It’s a pretty hackneyed vampire story, with only the individual eccentricities of the characters to make it strange. 10

Waste of potential: I don’t know about this. I mean, it’s a pretty weak premise, and it’s not like we were expecting much. 10

Overall 71%