Scintilla (2014)

The poster fails to capture how creepy the dude’s clustered mini-eyes actually are.

“Born beneath the surface”

Directed by Billy O’Brien
Starring John Lynch, Morjana Alaoui, Antonia Thomas and Beth Winslet

Aka The Hybrid, but not to be confused with Super Hybrid, which is about a killer electric car.

An elite mercenary team of British character actors are sent into the former Soviet Republic of Whereinthehell; their mission is to infiltrate a research laboratory protected, for no adequately explored reason, by Ossetian separatists, to retrieve the test subjects from the lab and ‘neutralise’ the scientists.

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

There’s a scene of her going up a gravity lift in the film which would have been a perfect poster shot; this one is more ‘Jupiter Strutting’.

“Expand Your Universe”

Directed by the Wachowskis
Starring Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne

Anglo-Russian immigrant Jupiter Jones (Kunis) works with her mother and aunt as underpaid cleaners, until alien bounty hunters come looking for Jupiter and she is whisked off on an interstellar adventure with demi-wolf tracker Caine Wise (Tatum).

Werewolf: The Beast Among Us (2012)

Sadly, only about half of these characters have a substantial role in the film.

“There wolf! There castle!”

Directed by Louis Morneau
Starring Ed Quinn, Guy Wilson and Stephen Rea

A family is attacked by a werewolf. The young son is the sole survivor, and years later is a hunter of werewolves with his own team of Transylvanian steampunk Expendables. Charles (Quinn) and his crew have put down dozens of beasts and have a fearsome reputation when they are called on to hunt a particularly dangerous foe; a beast with all the power of a werewolf, three days in which to hunt, and all the intelligence of a man.

Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)

The heroic female lead is on this poster, just very, very small.

Directed by Matthew Vaughan
Starring Colin Firth, Samuel L Jackson, Michael Caine, Mark Strong, Sofia Boutella, Taron Edgerton and Sophie Cookson

Harry ‘Galahad’ Hart (Firth) is the top agent for Kingsman, an international group ‘operating at the highest level of discretion’; in essence, a non-partisan intelligence service dedicated to peace above national interest. The death of Kingsman Lancelot (very briefly Jack Davenport) alerts the agency to the existence of a conspiracy led by software mogul Richmond Valentine (Jackson) and his deadly associate Gazelle (Boutella). It also triggers the search for a new Lancelot, a post for which Hart recommends London council estate lad Eggsy (Edgerton).

Postman Pat (2014)

Seldom has a poster so utterly failed to encompass the true insanity of a motion picture project.

“He’s About to Deliver the Goods”

Directed by Mike Disa
Starring Stephen Mangan, Jim Broadbent, Rupert Grint, Ronan Keating, David Tennant

Pat Clifton (Mangan) is a dedicated postman, and a dedicated husband, father and cat owner. When Edwin Carbuncle (Peter Woodward), an executive from the Special Delivery Service head office, slashes the company bonuses because they spend too much time rescuing sheep, he enters a TV talent competition to win the holiday his wife Sarah (Susan Duerden) has always dreamed of.

John Carter (2012)

Not ‘John Carter of Mars’. Who cares about Mars? People are going to come to this film for John Carter.

“Lost in this world, found in another”

Directed by Andrew Stanton
Starring Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Samantha Morton, Mark Strong, Ciarán Hinds, Dominic West, James Purefoy and Willem Dafoe

In the aftermath of the Civil War, Confederate Captain John Carter (Kitsch) has devoted his life to misanthropy and the quest for mythical treasure. A pushy cavalry recruiter and a chance encounter lead him to Barsoom, the dying planet Mars, where he discovers strange powers and perhaps a new direction in life.

The Wolfman (2010)

Now I understand… and it’s time to leave the woods.

“The Legend is Alive”

Directed by Joe Johnston
Starring Benicio del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt and Hugo Weaving

Actor Lawrence Talbot (del Toro) is summoned to his family home by his brother Ben’s fiancee, Gwen (Blunt) with news of Ben’s death. Ben was killed by some beast in the woods near Talbot House, and Lawrence determines to track and destroy it. His father (Hopkins) seems oddly sanguine about the whole business, while Inspector Aberline (Weaving) of Scotland Yard has his eye on Lawrence.