My handle is happyfett, and I remember everything.
Actually, that’s blatantly untrue; memory like a sieve, and in fact I have typically found myself in a Dirty Harry style quandary regarding the Resident Evil movie franchise. Have I seen five movies, or just four? Well, for now at least I know, because with The Final Chapter coming out next year, in time for the franchise’s fifteenth anniversary, I’ve spent the past couple of days catching up as far as possible on the series. I couldn’t get the first and third movies easily, but I had already seen them.
So, here we go with a run down of the first five Resident Evil movies.
Directed by Aleksander Bach Starring Rupert Friend, Hannah Ware, Zachary Quinto and Ciaran Hinds
Hitman began life as a series of successful computer games, in which the player controls Agent 47, the ‘perfect assassin’; six-four of shaven-headed, barcode tattooed white beefcake with the ability to disguise himself as a Chinese waiter. Using said mastery of disguise and an arsenal of weapons, the player must plan and execute an assassination to meet the terms of a contract. Some of the games have an ongoing plot i which a series of unconnected jobs add up to a conspiracy, but some are just a series of jobs, and their appeal is not story so much as the replay value inherent in trying various approaches to perfect each kill. The game series was first adapted into a movie in 2007. Hitman was a frankly appalling film in which 47 – played without engagement by Timothy Olyphant, fresh from critically acclaimed yet cancelled TV series Deadwood and with payments due on the mortgage – is betrayed by his superiors as part of an insanely moronic plot to seize control of Russia by treating the entire world as if they were idiots.
So, apparently someone at 20th Century Fox really believed in the potential of a Hitman movie, because despite a modest commercial success and critical mauling, and Timothy Olyphant going on record on the Nerdist podcast to confirm that bit about the mortgage, the collapse of a planned sequel, and the death of intended new Agent 47 Paul Walker, just eight years later they decided to reboot.
In this version, Agent 47 (Friend) is sent to assassinate the founder of the Agent programme, Petr Litvenko (Hinds) and his daughter, Katia Van Dees (Ware), for reasons that are never adequately explored, but possibly as part of a shadow war between two ideologically indistinguishable conspiracies. Katia is initially protected by international man of mystery John Smith (Quinto), before he is revealed as an agent for the Syndicate, the enemy of 47’s International Contracts Agency.
Directed by David Yates Starring Alexander Skarsgard, Samuel L. Jackson, Margot Robbie, Djimon Hounsou and Christoph Waltz
In order to gain access to the diamond mines of Opar and save his King from bankruptcy, ruthless Belgian civil servant Leon Rom (Waltz) promises to deliver the title card to Mbonga (Hounsou), chief of the Leopard Men. Rom arranges for the Earl of Greystoke and former Tarzan (Skarsgard) to be invited to visit the Congo. Greystoke is all ‘whatevs’, but US attache George Washington Williams (Jackson) persuades him to go in order to root out Belgium’s double-secret slave trade, and his wife Jane (Robbie) insists on coming along to visit old friends.
Directed by Duncan Jones Starring Travis Fimmel, Paula Patton, Ben Foster, Dominic Cooper, Toby Kebbell, Ben Schnetzer, Robert Kazinsky and Daniel Wu
The orc wizard Gul’Dan (Wu) promises to lead the Horde into a lush new world from their own dead one, by opening a portal powered by the lives of hundreds of prisoners. As the Horde descend on Azeroth, orc chief Durotan (Kebbell) begins to doubt Gul’dan, even as his magic restores Durotan’s stillborn son. As the knights of Stormwind begin to tool up with dwarf-made handguns, the orcs advance, and the young wizard Khadgar (Schnetzer) approaches Commander Lothar (Fimmel) with a warning that dire magic may be at work.
Directed by Bryan Singer Starring James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Michael Fassbender, Oscar Issac, Nicholas Hoult, Rose Byrne, Tye Sheridan, Sophie Turner, Olivia Munn, Lucas Till, Evan Peters, Kody Smit-McPhee, Alexandra Shipp and Ben Hardy
In ancient Egypt, the first mutant, En Sabah Nur is betrayed by his people as his consciousness is being transferred to the body of a mutant with healing powers (Isaac). Millennia later, his cult dig up the pyramid and trigger his revival, leading CIA agent Moira McTaggart (Byrne) to accept the suddenly offered aid of mutant expert Charles Xavier (McAvoy).
Directed by Jon Favreau Starring Ben Kingsley, Bill Murray, Idris Elba, Scarlett Johanssen, Christopher Walken, Giancarlo Esposito, Lupita Nyong’o and Neel Sethi
A young boy (Sethi) is found by animals, named Mowgli and raised by the mother wolf Raksha (Nyong’o) in the jungles of India. When the water truce brings him into contact with Shere Khan (Elba), the tiger swears to kill him, and Mowgli agrees to leave the pack in the company of his mentor Bagheera (Kingsley) in order to protect them.
Directed by Zach Snyder Starring Henry Cavill, Ben Affleck, Amy Adams, Jesse Eisenberg and Gal Gadot
Bruce Wayne (Affleck) loses his family, then years later loses an office block and some bloke named Jack in the battle between Superman (Cavill) and Zod. 18 months later, Superman is framed for killing a bunch of terrorists to rescue Lois Lane (Adams), and both Wayne – alias the Gotham Bat – and rival industrialist Lex Luthor (Eisenberg) begin gunning for the Man of Steel and fighting for control of a rare material with the ability to harm Kryptonians.
Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker Starring Jodi Benson, Christopher Daniel Barnes and Pat Carroll
Ariel (Benson), the youngest daughter of King Triton (Kenneth Mars) of the Merfolk, dreams of the wonders of the surface world. When she saves the life of an adventurous prince (Barnes) and falls in love with him, she makes an ill-advised deal with the sea-witch Ursula (Carroll). Ursula transforms Ariel into a human for three days. If she can get the prince to kiss her, she will be human forever; if not, she will belong to Ursula. The cost of the deal is her voice, which ironically is the thing the prince has fallen in love with. Continue reading The Little Mermaid (1989)→
Directed by David L Cunningham Starring Alexander Ludwig, Christopher Eccleston, Ian McShane and Frances Conroy
Will Stanton (Ludwig), the second youngest of a large family of bickering American emigres, discovers on his fourteenth birthday that he is the last of the Old Ones, a secret race of warriors in the service of the Light. With the Rider (Eccleston), embodiment of the Dark, growing in power, Will has just five days to find the six Signs of the Light which will restore its power and prevent the destruction of the world.
Directed by J Blakeson Starring Chloe Grace Moretz, Nick Robinson, Alex Roe, Maika Monroe and Liev Schreiber
In the aftermath of a devastating, yet impersonal alien assault, a handful of survivors struggle to stay alive, while an army of children is gathered in an Airforce base by Colonel Vosch (Schreiber) and trained to strike back against the invaders. Among the former group is Cassie (Moretz), and among the latter her brother Sam (Zackary Arthur) and her old high school crush Ben (Robinson), now known as ‘Zombie’.