Aladdin and the Death Lamp (2012)

I can show you your lungs, Shining shimmering splendid...
I can show you your lungs,
Shining shimmering splendid… 

“(Okay, there is a tagline on that poster, but I can’t make it out.)”

Directed by Mario Azzopardi
Starring Darren Shahlavi, Noam Jenkins, Kandyse McClure and Eugene Clark

Aladdin (Shahlavi) and his BFF Luca (Jenkins) find a lamp in an ancient tomb. Against the warning of their mentor Khalil (Clark), they and their friend Shifa (McClure) set out to follow a map associated with the lamp.

The lamp is the prison of the last of the djinn and the map leads to the ring which allows one to control it fully. Without the ring, the creature seeks to warp the wishes of mortals with the ultimate goal of freeing the rest of its kind from the phantom zone. Only Aladdin’s swashbuckling, Khalil’s magic, Shifa’s cunning and Luca’s craven stupidity stand between the world and a pile of genie-fuelled death.

What’s wrong with it?

I don’t know if this was actually produced by and for the SyFy Channel, but in its heart it’s a SyFy Original, from a cast of solid but jobbing thespians to its incredibly poor CGI effects, culminating in Aladdin trying to post the ring through an imaginary slit in the rock.

The plot is… well, simple is the kindest word. It’s your basic parade of stupid people make wishes even though the mentor has explained that it’s an incredibly bad idea and will result in you getting your head pulled off and used as a football. The treacherous friend is especially dim.

What’s right with it?

Yeah… not really.

How bad is it really?

It’s really bad.

Best bit (if such there is)?

The oldest member of the band shows up suddenly black haired and superfit. He explains that he wished he were young and strong, with no ill effects.

Then he admits that he also wished to lose 30lbs, and the djinn pulls his arms off.

What’s up with…?

  • Any attempt to present the evil djinn as innovative post-Wishmaster is pretty lame.

Ratings

Production values – Slightly better than Sharknado17
Dialogue and performances – I will allow that the players in this shit-storm are professionals. As such, they probably deserve better. 14
Plot and execution – It’s a very, very simple plot, overstretched and warped almost out of recognition in an attempt to seem substantial. 15
Randomness – And this is where the film scrapes back a few points, because it lacks the imagination necessary to be random. 2
Waste of potential – Comparatively speaking, Wishmaster is Oscar-bait. That’s right; I said Wishmaster18

Overall 65%

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