100 Million BC (2008)

100_million_bc

“An elite mercenary team. Sent back in time. They will not return … Alone.”

Directed by Griff “Louie Myman” Furst
Starring Michael Gross, Christopher Atkins, Greg Evigan

An elite team of Navy SEALs (not, as the poster says, mercenaries) are sent back in time to when dinosaurs roamed the earth in order to rescue another team of Navy personnel who were sent back in time to when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Together with professor Frank Reno (Gross), they wander around the jungle, getting et one by one, until they find the stranded sailors, among them Reno’s brother Erik (Christopher Atkins) and former love interest Ruth (Marie Westbrook). The survivors return to the modern day, but a hungry T. rex follows them back to Los Angeles, where it rampages through the city until yet another version of Reno turns up, having time-travelled from the 40s, and sends it back where it came from.

What’s wrong with it?

Well, it sounds not too bad when I describe it above, doesn’t it? But every part of this movie is just so ineptly made that it’s a terrible slog to get through. The acting is stiff and awkward, the effects are bumbling and the plot is a clunky mess of scenes that don’t relate to each other, setups without payoffs and payoffs without setups.

What’s right with it?

The special features show the effects guys having fun with making the dinosaurs; I’m glad some likable geeks got paid to practice their craft, even if you can barely see it in the film.

How bad is it really?

It’s like every other Asylum mockbuster: joyless, boring, inept pablum where the wacky implausibility only serves to make the film less interesting. Who makes these things? Surely if they don’t give a toss about what’s in the movie they could just give some pocket-change, an old sitcom actor and some well-meaning dinosaur dorks to some ambitious young lunatic and get a film that was at least interesting. I guess ambitious lunatics have a bad habit of missing their deadlines.

Best bit (if such there is)?

Oh, the same crap in all of these things; a tyrannosaur leaping into the air and eating a helicopter. But the sudden appearance of young Reno and his halftrack full of soldiers is reasonable fun too. Oh, and the bit where one of the navy guys is creating cave paintings of flying saucers to fuck with future generations. But all these wonderful moments do is prove that the movie could have been so much more balls-to-the-wall ridiculous.

What’s up with…? 

  • The Navy guys sitting outside the warehouse where they’re going to be briefed until exactly 2:00, then getting up and walking in, only to be told that they should get settled in and hit the head, then meet up again at 3:00?
  • The elite commandos going into a place they know is inhabited by large animals carrying nothing but submachine guns?
  • The tyrannosaur’s hide being impervious to bullets? It’s a big animal, not Godzilla.
  • The cast switching half way through? Like, literally every member of the original main cast is replaced by a new character. It’s like two movies stitched together.
  • The trained survival types going into a foreign environment without food, water or even a first aid kit?

Ratings

Production values Ugly and clumsy and inept. 17
Dialogue and performances Gross and Atkins are reasonable. Everyone else ranges from forgettable to the wrong kind of memorable. 15
Plot and execution Events do more or less happen in sequence, but no one cares. 16
Randomness Like Axe Cop without the verve and charm. 16.
Waste of potential No, you know what? Six-String Samurai exists. I’m through giving low-budget high-concept stuff a pass for being rubbish. Fuck this movie. 18.

Overall 82%

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