Blade Trinity (2004)

Are these three the Trinity? Because I always thought the members of a trinity were supposed to be equal.
Are these three the Trinity? Because I always thought the members of a trinity were supposed to be equal.

“The Final Hunt Begins”

Directed by David S Goyer
Starring Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, Ryan Reynolds and Dominic Purcell

A cadre of savvy vampires seek out the first vampire in an attempt to increase their own power and destroy their nemesis, Blade (Snipes).

We open with a group of vampires entering an ancient tomb in search of ‘him’, then cut to scenes of Blade mowing down a dozen vamps in a curb stomp battle which ends with him being filmed shooting a familiar (human vampire wannabe.) As a result, SWAT teams descend on his lair for a shootout in which Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) is killed, and when I say is killed, I mean is shot and then blows himself up in order to ensure that all of their accumulated evidence of vampire existence is destroyed, leaving Blade looking even more guilty of being an insane serial murderer than he was already.

A conspiracy of familiars arranges him to be handed over to the vampires, led by Danica Talos (indie queen and Pussycat nemesis Parker Posey,) but he is rescued by the Nightstalkers, Hannibal King (Reynolds) and Abigail Whistler (Biel), the elder Whistler’s illegitimate daughter. They explain that Whistler created a worldwide network of hunter cells and that, this being the endgame, we will never see any of them apart from King, Abigail and their obviously doomed support team.

It’s the endgame because the vampires of House Talos have awakened the first vampire, Drake (aka Dracula.) Drake (Purcell) is the ultimate predator, but his ‘pure DNA’ is also the key to activating the Daystar virus, a biological weapon capable of wiping out all vampires, and possibly Blade as well.

There’s an extended fight scene, three possible endings and a spin-off TV series.

What’s wrong with it?

Come back, Bloodpack! All is forgiven. Did I say that the Bloodpack were the least professional group of ‘elite hunters’ in history? I was wrong.

House Talos allegedly make House Damaskinos look as much like a bunch of amateur clowns as House Damaskinos did the elders of House Erebus, but they are actually even more a pack of hapless chuckleheads.

Fear my vampire strop!
Fear my vampire strop!

Even Drake hates the shit out of these losers, and would clearly rather hang out with Blade. Big goon Jarko (Triple H) has a fucking vampire Pomeranian. Even Hannibal King recognises that this is idiotic and, well…

For his poster shot, Hannibal King is scratching his head with his gun.
That’s right: For his poster shot, Hannibal King is scratching his head with his gun.

Oh, man; Ryan Reynolds. Is it him? Is it the roles directors keep putting him in? How can one man be this annoying? Again, Blade picks him up on being a useless jerk, but he never stops. There is no learning curve here, nor much point to his presence. He doesn’t even get to kill his nemesis Danica; she gets offed by Daystar when she’s about to kill him but dragging out the moment in some hideously disturbing cutsey-sexy fan disservice moment.

And Drake. Seriously? The ‘ultimate predator’ is the doughy avenger? Also, according to King ‘like a great white shark, he’s never had to evolve.’

HE IS ONE DUDE! ONE DUDE DOES NOT EVOLVE! A person doesn’t evolve; a species does, and not even in the length of time that vampires have apparently existed. Fuck you, movie! You fail science! You fail it forever! Even if I allow this as King just not understanding complex concepts like evolution and toast, you fail it for your infinite insta-doom virus (viral pathogens need surviving carriers, even Damaskinos knew that) and your ultraviolet cheesewire an appreciable fraction of the heat of the sun. The sun is so hot that it can give you a deep tissue burn across 98 million miles of hard vacuum; you’d need more than an unfolding handgrip for something like that.

Drake, incidentally, as part of his ultimate predator schtick, fights with honour. At the third act closer he abducts Hannibal so his goons can worthlessly question him about the Nightstalkers’ plan and kills the others, including crucifying a defenceless blind woman. HONOUR! And never mind that the blind woman is a) the inventor of the Daystar virus and b) the mother of the child who is threatened to make King talk, and would therefore have been an infinitely more valuable source of information. No, we needed to see her crucified and with her clothes just artfully disheveled enough to suggest worse, and to get some more ‘priceless’ quips from King.

And the vampires’ master stroke is to expose Blade as a serial killer? The Feds already have a jacket on his for killing dozens – although he numbers upwards of one thousand – of familiars. Why not just call in a tip?

What’s right with it?

Basically… nothing. There are, perhaps, bits of the movie that don’t stink on hot ice, but that’s the best you can say for it. Even the action is lukewarm by this point. Snipes vs. Purcell is one of the least mobile fights in recent movie history, with any serious action looking a lot like doubles or CGI.

How bad is it really?

Blade Trinity is a terrible, terrible movie. It’s almost so bad that it feels like a waste of time to hate it.

Best bit (if such there is)?

Drake seeks out ‘vampire merchandise’ and is offered Dracula lunchboxes… and vibrators. In the same store, mind you. Basically on adjoining shelves. This does not end well for the proprietors.

What’s up with…?

  • The vampire Pomeranian?
  • Hannibal King’s complete lack of worth? ETA: Okay, so apparently there is an explanation for this one. According to Patton Oswalt, who played the Nightstalkers’ short-lived armourer, the production was so tense and Snipes actually on set for so little aside from his close ups that the cast just started to get Reynolds to say the craziest shit they could come up with to be matched against Blade’s non-expressions. So now I know, and knowing is half the battle.
  • The useless yahoo vampire celebrity posse?
  • Dominic Purcell?

Ratings

Production values – The film is workmanlike. There’s nothing that makes you go wow, and nothing very new. Even Drake simply combines the Reaper maw from the last film with a generic demon appearance when he’s not looking like Dominic Purcell. 11
Dialogue and performances – The cast are mostly okay, but struggle desperately with some very clunky dialogue. The film’s belief that Hannibal King talking about dicks is either big or clever is a large part of its problem, but then what can you hope for from a film in which a vampire in body-enclosing gear flips off the sun after less than two minutes? Deacon Frost went sunproof in the first film; this is not new, asshole! 15
Plot and execution – Look at that synopsis; that was the most I could cut it down without leaving stuff out. It’s too complicated for an action movie, too dumb for a thriller and puts its protagonist (and only Blade counts for this; the Nightstalkers are a sideshow) in too little peril for horror. 19
Randomness – Vampire POMERANIAN. Meticulous an costly plot to frame an actual serial killer for one crime. The ultimate predator is a doughy guy from Cheshire. 16
Waste of potential – It is hard to express how much worse this is than Blade II without stretching credulity. 16

Overall 81%

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