“The Legend is Born”
Directed by Christopher Ray
Starring Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez and Kevin Nash
When demon dude Loki (Grieco) attacks vaguely Nordic castle-y place Valhalla, boss god Odin (Nash) throws the big stupid-looking styrofoam Hammer of Invincibility into the World Tree to prevent the baddie getting his hands on it before Odin dies. With Odin out of the picture, impetuous young god Thor (Deal) and love-interest/mentor Jarnsaxa (Velasquez) go traipsing around various dimensions (including our own world) to try and find it. Eventually Thor forges his own hammer or something and clobbers Loki with it. Goodness is restored, wickedness defeated. Thor and Jarnsaxa probably kiss, but I wasn’t paying attention by that point.
What’s wrong with it?
2011’s Thor, the film this stinker was designed to mockbust, had a strong cast, a simple but exciting story, and high-quality special effects out the wazoo. This thing … not so much. The sets consist of some fields and back alleys, the CGI is dreadful, the fights are plodding and unconvincing, and I couldn’t make out what the hell people were saying half the time. The film can’t even decide on a central plot, just shuffling its characters from location to location until a perfunctory baddy showdown. Loki isn’t so much menacing as kind of a jerk who happens to murder a bunch of people, Odin lacks majesty or dignity, and … it just … I can’t …
What’s right with it?
A crude knock-off of a fun and engaging film, Almighty Thor cuts every corner it can find in its quest to pad itself out to just long enough to be considered a feature film. There ain’t shit right with it.
I guess the fight between Thor and a big armoured dude is adequate, like an-episode-of-Hercules adequate.
How bad is it really?
Cynical, lazy, inept, dull, ugly, unimaginative.
Best bit (if such there is)?
Aaaand … nope.
What’s up with…?
- Baldr is the battle-hardened warrior type and Thor is the dreamy young’un?
- When Odin falls down dead, the tread of his completely modern shoes being visible?
- Thor being brought to our modern world, but basically not interacting with anyone there? If you’re gonna rip off Masters of the Universe, at least do it. (Or Beastmaster whatever-it-was, for that matter.)
- Odin having two eyes? I know this movie is cheap, but I don’t think eyepatches are expensive.
- The dog-lizard things Loki summons? Are they meant to be wolves?
- Loki’s wand thingy? It looks like it came from a Halloween store.
Production values: the crappiest part of a crappy movie. 17.
Dialogue and performances: from basically capable but uninspired (Grieco) to barely there (everyone else). 17.
Plot and execution: a terrible story, terribly told. 16.
Randomness: a more or less consistent boring story about unlikable characters. 14.
Waste of potential: you get what you pay for, but the source material is full of good stuff that they just ignore. 12.