From the Archive – The Horrible Doctor Bones (2000)

Dr

 

“The Doctor is in the House” (Or sometimes in the ghetto)

Directed by Art Carnage
Starring…well, no-one really

A group of nice young hip-hop artistes calling themselves the Urban Protectors are recruited by Dr Nathaniel Bones, the not-at-all-sinister head of Boneyard records, little suspecting that he is up to something dubious that involves people’s heads exploding. He turns out to be a wacky voodoo guy who uses subliminal voice-control techniques to manipulate people, which only the song-writer/producer Jamal notices.

Bones and his moronic accomplices use the Protectors’ music as a carrier to zombify the living, but Jamal evades the effect, and smashes the hearts that control his dead zombie slaves. A year later, the nice young people get mind-controlled from beyond the grave… or something.

What’s wrong with it?

The Horrible Dr Bones truly is horrible. It’s incredibly dull, the effects are cheap and tacky; the plot is limp, and so short that the entire thing fits neatly into the trailer. The acting is dire, and not even in a way that’s funny. Dr Bones is clearly supposed to be sinister, but doesn’t have the charisma. The whole thing seems to have been put together to sell the so-so hip-hop talents of the soundtrack artists, both of whom appear as runners-up in the battle of the bands won by the Urban Protectors.

What’s right with it?

Well, it’s short.

How bad it is really?

Very, very tedious, and when it’s not being tedious, just plain annoying. It doesn’t even have any quality shambling. It’s pretty much ‘shamble lite’.

Best bit

Jamal sees Dr Bones putting his middle-aged moves on the lead singer, Jamal’s best girl Lisa. Bones turns to him, and his mouth creases back into a CG’d impossible rictus grin.

What’s up with…?

  • The mixing booth, which has a huge mixing deck, and only a single input from the stage, and a single input from the voodoo temple in the basement?
  • Bones’ club? He’s supposed to be wealthy and successful, but he seems to be putting on gigs in a school assembly hall.
  • Bones’ dream tempting of the band? It’s not like they weren’t going to take the deal; the money had them hooked pretty nicely.

Ratings:

Production Values: Lame. Really. Nice work with the rictus, but otherwise it’s all crap. Even the costumes suck, and they’re just clothes. The whole thing looks very, very cheap. 18

Dialogue and performances: Utterly terrible. None of the bad guys are sinister enough, and the zombies can’t shamble worth shit. The ‘heroes’ lack any kind of charisma. The lead singer chick can writhe some, but sadly can not lip-synch. 17

Plot and execution: The plot would fit on the back of a postage stamp, and even then would take up more space than it deserves. The direction is lacklustre, and one suspects that Mr Carnage – if that is his real name – might have been more used to directing bad hip-hop videos than bad movies. 18

Randomness: There actually isn’t enough happening for much randomness, except for the whole temptation-dream thing, which is a solid ten minutes of pure random. 14

Waste of Potential: This is possibly the most boring zombie movie ever. Even Steven Seagal in Marked for Death was better. That being said, it promises very little. 13

Overall 78%

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